It was 18 days ago that I last blogged.
It was 18 days ago that I saw the Lyme's specialist.
It was 18 days ago that I was holding on...clinging to hope for answers.
Only 18 days ago? Feels like an eternity ago. *sigh*
I did receive answers from the specialist. Answers that have left huge question marks. There's good and bad news.
The good: I don't have Lyme's Disease. I don't have Rheumatoid Arthritis.
The bad: I don't have answers as to why my body is in 24/7 chronic pain. I don't have answers as to why my blood sugars are still out of control no matter what I do.
So, of course, the biggest question is...where do I go from here?
On the advice of my nutritionist, I saw my general practitioner on Wednesday 10/18 to see if we could get the blood sugar issue under control. He feels that once the sugar numbers are under control the pain should {hopefully} lessen.
At this appointment, I told my doctor all that had been going on with my sugar numbers and the chronic pain I've been experiencing. Gave her the entire timeline of the last year. She agreed to put me on a medication for the sugar, but also wanted to give me a shot of Kenalog {steroid} to try and lessen the pain. I was very apprehensive about that because I know that steroids can raise blood sugar {which I didn't need}, and steroids are used mainly to treat inflammation {which my blood work from the specialist showed no inflammation in my body}. When I posed these concerns, she said that the sugar medication should help control my blood sugar, and that "some people" don't show inflammation in their blood work but do indeed have inflammation. So, even though I was a little apprehensive, I consented and allowed them to give me the shot.
They say hind sight is 20/20, right? Well, in hind sight, I should have never consented to that shot. Since the shot on Wednesday {4 days} I have had a horrible headache, stomach issues, blood sugar still high {even though I've been on medication for 4 days}, no strength, no stamina, and unbearable pain.
Moral of this story: ALWAYS GO WITH YOUR GUT!
*sigh*
I've stayed quiet from blogging for these 18 days because honestly I didn't know how to convey all the emotion, frustration, disappointment, fear and utter sadness I've been experiencing. I didn't want to face the fact that I'm still living with this chronic pain, despite my best efforts; that I don't have answers, and that I honestly don't know what's next.
I really don't know or understand why God is choosing to leave these mountains unmovable. I've been asking Him to show me just a glimpse of why. He has chosen not to, and to leave things basically has they have been for quite some time now.
So, here I am, sitting in this valley with these unmovable, unchangeable mountains glaring down at me. I'm tired, frustrated, hurting and sad. It is here in the valley, as I strain to see the tops of these mountains for just a glimmer of light, God quietly whispers:
"Wait."
"Be still."
"Be quiet."
"Rest. Regroup. Recover."
And then, these verses came to mind, "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
These verses surprised me. It was as if I was hearing them for the very first time. They were fresh. They were new. I read them again...and then again...and then again. My soul was hungry, and I didn't even realize it. I devoured them, and then let them slowly digest and nourish my soul. What sweet manna in this dark, deep valley.
In this valley, He met me. He fed me. He is here. He hears me. He knows.
In this valley, I know He's able and can change these circumstances in a millisecond.
In this valley, He's choosing not to change the circumstances, but rather wants to change me.
In this valley, I wait...still...quiet...resting...regrouping...recovering.
In this valley, I surrender.
In this valley, I hope.
"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my HOPE."
Psalm 130:5
