Day 246: Operation HOPE...He is Able

I'm in limbo.  

Wait and see mode.  

Again!!

I spent last weekend (from Saturday night 8/5 to Monday night 8/7) in bed with a horrible headache and debilitating full body pain.  All I could do was get up to use the bathroom and eat, and then I was right back in bed.  When I finally came around on Tuesday 8/8, I needed to start calling around to try and find a Lyme's specialist.  After calling 4-5 offices, what I found out was that NONE them take insurance; a first visit will run anywhere from $350 to $550; testing will run $100 to $400; and, every additional visit will be $140 to $200 (not including treatment/medication).

I sat at my kitchen table with tears streaming down my face; feeling very defeated and frustrated.  There is NO way we could afford this.  I took a deep breath, and decided to let Dr. C know what I found out.  He was just as frustrated as me.  He said that he was going to talk to Dr. P (the owner/chiropractor in his office) to see what they can come up with.  

As of today, I'm still waiting to hear what they've come up with.

Limbo.

Wait and see mode.

*sigh*

I've been in this limbo/wait and see position so many times in the last 5 years.  You would think I'd be used to it by now.  But, the truth of the matter is this is not my favorite place to be at all.  It makes me very uneasy and uncomfortable.

You know, I'm really my own worst enemy sometimes.  Okay...most of the time!  I admit, I cause a lot of my own stress.  I like to know what's going on, what I need to do and where I need to go...always!  By nature, I'm a planner...an organizer...a scheduler.  That's who I am.  But, honestly, who I truly am hasn't been working too well for me lately.  I've really been driving myself crazy.

After I contacted Dr. C last Tuesday, through my tears I pleaded with God to take all this from me.  The burden of trying to manage my wellness journey finally got the best of me.  Trying to find a doctor who's a specialist that I can afford.  Dealing with and managing pain 24/7.  Managing my nutrition.  On top of taking care of my family and home.  I was done.  Totally 100% at the end of myself.  

"God take the rest...I'm done!"

BOOM!!  

Just like that a wave of peace immediately came over me, and all that has been running through my mind since that exact moment is "He is Able"!!  

He. Is. Able.

He is able to work all this out for my good.  

He is able to work out all the details so that I can afford a specialist and the testing.

He is able to show us a different path, a better path.  

He is able to make beauty out of these ashes.  

He is able to heal me.  

He. Is. Able.

Three songs have been rolling through my head today.  The first one is "Even If" by Mercy Me, the second one is "I Have This Hope" by Tenth Avenue North and the third one is "I Won't Let You Go" by Switchfoot.

Even If's chorus goes like this:

"I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone"

I Have This Hope's chorus goes like this:

"I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go"

And, I Won't Let You Go's chorus goes like this:

"If you could let the pain of the past go

Of your soul

None of this is in your control

If you could only let your guard down

If you could learn to trust me somehow

Well I swear, that I won't let you go

If you could only let go your doubts

If you could just believe in me now

I swear, that I won't let you go

I won’t let you go"

These songs have blessed my heart today and reminded me that my hope lies in Jesus alone.  I came to the realization today that I've been focusing on the hope that the pain would end, and honestly that's what was consuming my thoughts and prayers.  I was so blinded by my circumstances, how I'm feeling and what was going on around me that I forgot what the truth is.  The truth is my hope is in Jesus alone.

This realization today has not changed my circumstances at all.  Like most days, I'm hurting and hobbling around; trying to do my best do what I need to do for myself and my family.  But, what has changed is my focus.  My heart is lighter.  My head is clearer.  My lungs can breathe again.  My soul has a peace.

I have this hope.  

He is with me.  

He won't let me go.  

He is able to do more than I could ever think of imagine.

He. Is. Able.

Day 233: Operation HOPE...Jesus Take The Wheel

I'm still here!  I know, I know.  It's been a month since my last post.  I don't think I've ever gone that long.  This last month has been T.O.U.G.H.  Road block after road block after road block.  This month has been full of stress, high blood sugars, breakdowns, pain, fatigue, brain fog, tears {lots}, and more stress.  I am not myself AT ALL.  Just ask my family.  It's not been pretty.  Most of my days I'm on auto pilot to just get done what I have to.

Dr. C has been working with the team of doctors, as well as a general practitioner who now works with Dr. C's office {Dr. W}, to try and figure out the best course of action for my case.  All doctors are dumbfounded as to why my sugars are still high.  They think a lot of it has to do with stress {which I have been under a ton of lately}, but are also concerned that I may have Lyme's that no one has caught.  Lyme's, as many of you know, can cause an array of medical issues and symptoms, including all the ones I have. 

Dr. C called me last Thursday (7/27) to tell me that Dr. W suggested I see specialist in Tinton Falls who specializes in Lyme's, Fibro, Chronic Fatigue, etc.  He said he felt this might be the missing piece in my case, and that this doctor could really help get to the bottom of things.  He wanted me to call and make an appointment ASAP.  I was so hopeful.  So, I called immediately to set up an appointment.  

I was told by her receptionist that I couldn't get in until October, the doctor doesn't take insurance, the first visit is $550, and every other appointment is $200 with a non-refundable $150 deposit placed at the time the next appointment is made.  Seriously...can't make this stuff up.  I went from hopeful to what the heck am I going to do in a matter of literally 3 minutes!  I texted Dr. C immediately and told him all that I had just found out.  He said he would reach out to her personally.  I honestly don't know what's going to happen now.

After almost a week of trying, Dr. C couldn't get a hold of this doctor to see if she would work with us.  He tried.  He told me today that he didn't even talk to her...she must be that busy not to talk to a fellow doctor.  All the information he received {which wasn't much} was from her staff.

I saw Dr. C for my monthly appointment today.  He told me that without a doubt he absolutely thinks I have Lyme's.  Despite our best efforts nutritionally, I am not getting better.  I'm still in pain from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, from one degree or another, 24/7!  Dr. C said that all my symptoms are Lyme's symptoms.  It needs to get diagnosed so that it can be treated.  He won't be able to treat me for Lyme's because that's not his specialty, a medical doctor would need to do that.  He said he would continue working with me on the nutrition end, but that I would need a medical doctor to diagnose and treat the Lyme's, and he recommends that I also work with an herbalist to help keep my body safe during treatment.  He said that Lyme's treatment is rough and could take up to a year {Another year!!!}

This is my "Jesus Take The Wheel" moment after hearing all this.  Literally.  I'm sitting here with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes as I type this.  "Lord, You have to take care of this.  I can't do this any more."

I'm so tired....physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  I've been doing this chronic pain {from one degree to another} now for over five years of my life.  Five years of trying this and trying that; waiting and seeing.  Five. Years.  I'm tired.

I saw a quote last week.  It read, "God has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggles and a reward for your faithfulness.  Don't give up!"

I know He has a purpose, if I didn't know that I couldn't have endured this far.  The struggles are VERY real, and, although I can't see the reason, I have to believe there's a reason.  And, I'm so looking forward to the reward of H.O.P.E. {Hold On Pain Ends}!