Day 366: Operation HOPE...What a Difference a Year Makes

I began this wellness journey exactly one year ago today.  December 12, 2016.  I had been living in chronic pain for over four years, stemming from two back surgeries and numerous other medical issues.  I had no idea where this process would lead me.  All I knew was that I had to do something "different" to try and get relief.

I knew it wouldn't be easy, but never imagined just how hard it really would be.  On December 12, 2016, 12 days before Christmas, I jumped into this lifestyle change with both feet.  My eating habits immediately and drastically changed.  Drastically!!  No gluten, no dairy, no sugar, no caffeine, no corn products, no soy.  I could basically only eat foods from the ground up.  No canned products.  No processed food.  No salad dressings...only olive oil and raw apple cider vinegar.  No cooking with olive oil...only coconut oil.  That was a whole lot of "NO", but I hoped this would be my saving grace.

Over the last year, I learned so much about nutrition and supplements; what's good (and not good) for my body.  I learned that healthy food is more than just carrot and celery sticks.  I learned that I do not like tofu, but don't mind fish!  I learned that certain foods, like sugar, dairy and gluten, really do negatively effect my body.  I have learned that, without a doubt, what I put in my body matters not only weight wise, but most of all health wise.

Now, today, one year later, I'm reaping the benefits of my hard work.  I'm the healthiest I've ever been in my entire life.  I am 56 pounds lighter.  I'm off of all synthetic medication.  My blood sugar issue is progressively getting better.

This is a process.  I didn't get to be the girl on the left without years and years of neglect and self-destruction.  And, I certainly didn't get to be the girl on the right without a year of hard work and dedication.  In many ways, I'm better than I was a year ago, but I still have a way to go.  This process has opened my eyes to the person I was, the person I am and the person I am becoming.  As I reflect on this last year, I absolutely see and feel the difference in myself.  Not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually.

With any journey, there are peaks and valleys.  On this journey, I have experienced more valleys than peaks.  It has been in the valleys where I have been the most impacted; where I have learned so much about myself and grown.  A couple of months ago, in anger and frustration, I begged the Lord to just "fix all this" and "make me better".  I knew deep in my heart that He was able and could in a moment heal me.  I couldn't understand why He wasn't hearing and answering me.  As those those thoughts were actively rolling through my mind, I felt as though the Lord said to me, "I AM here.  I do hear you.  I'm choosing not to change your circumstance because I want to change you!"  That was the day I completely surrendered my will to this process and said, "Thy will be done, Lord."  

This journey has been hard and messy.  I've experienced many bumps and bruises.  I've shed more tears than I could ever count.  I've experienced discouragement and anger.  There were so many days I didn't want to continue and just wanted to give up.  Even so, I've had the privilege of seeing God's hand and timing throughout this journey.  I've witnessed first hand His gentleness, patience, faithfulness, love, and mercy toward me.  And, now, I'm watching Him make beauty out of ashes even though there are many coals that are still burning.  

It is only by His grace and through His strength, that I didn't give up and was able to stay the course.  And, with His continued help, on this course I'll remain!!

"But as for me, I will always have HOPE;

I will praise You more and more."

Psalm 71:14

Day 315: Operation HOPE...Unmovable Mountains

It was 18 days ago that I last blogged.

It was 18 days ago that I saw the Lyme's specialist.

It was 18 days ago that I was holding on...clinging to hope for answers.

Only 18 days ago?  Feels like an eternity ago.  *sigh*

I did receive answers from the specialist.  Answers that have left huge question marks.  There's good and bad news. 

The good:  I don't have Lyme's Disease.  I don't have Rheumatoid Arthritis. 

The bad:  I don't have answers as to why my body is in 24/7 chronic pain.  I don't have answers as to why my blood sugars are still out of control no matter what I do.

So, of course, the biggest question is...where do I go from here?

On the advice of my nutritionist, I saw my general practitioner on Wednesday 10/18 to see if we could get the blood sugar issue under control.  He feels that once the sugar numbers are under control the pain should {hopefully} lessen. 

At this appointment, I told my doctor all that had been going on with my sugar numbers and the chronic pain I've been experiencing.  Gave her the entire timeline of the last year.  She agreed to put me on a medication for the sugar, but also wanted to give me a shot of Kenalog {steroid} to try and lessen the pain.  I was very apprehensive about that because I know that steroids can raise blood sugar {which I didn't need}, and steroids are used mainly to treat inflammation {which my blood work from the specialist showed no inflammation in my body}.  When I posed these concerns, she said that the sugar medication should help control my blood sugar, and that "some people" don't show inflammation in their blood work but do indeed have inflammation.  So, even though I was a little apprehensive, I consented and allowed them to give me the shot.

They say hind sight is 20/20, right?  Well, in hind sight, I should have never consented to that shot.  Since the shot on Wednesday {4 days} I have had a horrible headache, stomach issues, blood sugar still high {even though I've been on medication for 4 days}, no strength, no stamina, and unbearable pain.

Moral of this story:  ALWAYS GO WITH YOUR GUT!

*sigh*

I've stayed quiet from blogging for these 18 days because honestly I didn't know how to convey all the emotion, frustration, disappointment, fear and utter sadness I've been experiencing.  I didn't want to face the fact that I'm still living with this chronic pain, despite my best efforts; that I don't have answers, and that I honestly don't know what's next.

I really don't know or understand why God is choosing to leave these mountains unmovable.  I've been asking Him to show me just a glimpse of why.  He has chosen not to, and to leave things basically has they have been for quite some time now. 

So, here I am, sitting in this valley with these unmovable, unchangeable mountains glaring down at me.  I'm tired, frustrated, hurting and sad.  It is here in the valley, as I strain to see the tops of these mountains for just a glimmer of light, God quietly whispers: 

"Wait."

"Be still."

"Be quiet."

"Rest. Regroup. Recover."

And then, these verses came to mind, "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

These verses surprised me.  It was as if I was hearing them for the very first time.  They were fresh.  They were new.  I read them again...and then again...and then again.  My soul was hungry, and I didn't even realize it.  I devoured them, and then let them slowly digest and nourish my soul.  What sweet manna in this dark, deep valley.

In this valley, He met me.  He fed me.  He is here.  He hears me.  He knows.

In this valley, I know He's able and can change these circumstances in a millisecond.

In this valley, He's choosing not to change the circumstances, but rather wants to change me.

In this valley, I wait...still...quiet...resting...regrouping...recovering.

In this valley, I surrender.

In this valley, I hope.

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my HOPE."

Psalm 130:5

Day 297: Operation HOPE...Hold Onto Hope

On October 1st, Ann Voskamp posted this picture and these words:

"...in a big, loud world, Lord -- we hold onto Hope as we look into our week ahead.  Hope for the impossible, hope for the unlikely, hope for the unexpected, hope for the improbable -- because hope is nothing else but the spine of faith.  Hope is our bread, hope is the only way we keep living, hope is what we dance to, believing the music will someday soon begin.  We dream hope again tonight, our rest steadied in the storm -- for Hope in You is the anchor of our soul (Hebrews 6:19)."

The day has finally come to meet with the Lyme's specialist.  I have so many emotions and thoughts running through my heart and mind.  But, one thing that is absolutely certain is that as I go into this appointment I hold onto hope.  Hope is what has driven me here to Day 297 in this wellness journey.  Hope has given me the strength to keep going when I didn't want to go anymore.  Hope is what keeps me moving forward.

Hope...there is so much power in that small word.

Hope...without it we flounder and are lost.

Hope...always cling to it...never lose it.

Hope...Hope...Hope...

Day 285: Operation HOPE...Sprinkles of Hope

Last Tuesday, September 12th, I posted the following on my Facebook page:  "I know...I've been quiet lately. No better & symptoms have worsened in the last 1-2 weeks. Meeting with my nutritionist this morning to dial in where to go from here. Definitely need to meet with a Lyme's specialist...just need to pick the right one...and trust God for the finances to go {they do not take insurance}. Would you please pray with me for the Lord's wisdom, direction, provision of funds and peace in this? I know He's able to do more than I could ever imagine.  I am expectantly waiting. I am hopeful."

I did meet with my nutritionist that day, and there were an array of scenarios we were looking at.  I needed to wait to hear from him to see which way we were going.

It's truly amazing to me how in a little over a week's time I can go from "expectantly waiting" and "hopeful" to "impatiently waiting" and "hopeless".

Yesterday was not a good day at all. As the day went on, things were quickly spinning out of control.  I was getting frustrated with waiting for answers; and, when the answers came I wasn't very happy with them.  My pain was through the roof {and I had been dealing with this type of pain most of the week}.  My stress level was unbearable.  I felt like I was loosing my mind.  Not a good day at all.  Yet, it's in these chaotic, out of control moments that God chooses to sprinkle hope over what seems to be hopeless.

#1:  Ongoing blood sugar issue:  My blood sugars have been running extremely high for quite some time now.  No matter what I do, they're high.  This has me very concerned.  When I saw my nutritionist on the 12th, we talked about me possibly going back on medication {which had me very upset}.  Yesterday, after much research, my nutritionist suggested two natural supplements for me to try.  I started taking them yesterday.  I'm hoping they work in lowering these sugar numbers so I don't have to go back on medication, and can have that issue behind me.  A Sprinkle of Hope.

#2:  Ongoing pain and worsening symptoms:  My nutritionist feels, based on my symptoms and their progression, without a doubt that I have Lyme's.  The issue has been the cost associated with seeing a specialist, getting the testing done and subsequent treatment.  None of these specialists take insurance.  We will have to pay everything out of pocket.  My nutritionist was working hard at trying to find a back door for me to at least get the test so we would know for sure one way or another.  That has proven unsuccessful.  Late yesterday, while talking with my mother during a meltdown {just keeping it real}, at her suggestion, I decided that I need to just bite the bullet, make the appointment with the specialist and trust God to supply the funds for the appointment(s), testing and whatever treatment is necessary.  I called the specialist today, and to my surprise, was able to get an appointment on October 4th!  During that appointment, the doctor will determine what blood work is necessary, and will draw the blood that day.  I should hopefully have results by early November.  A Sprinkle of Hope.

{B-R-E-A-T-E}

My body is so weary and worn.  My soul is downcast and parched.  I feel like a broken, hot mess.

It is here, though, in this weary, worn, downcast, parched, broken, hot mess that God chose to meet me.

I am humbled.

I am in awe.

I am grateful.

I am drenched with Sprinkles of Hope!

Day 246: Operation HOPE...He is Able

I'm in limbo.  

Wait and see mode.  

Again!!

I spent last weekend (from Saturday night 8/5 to Monday night 8/7) in bed with a horrible headache and debilitating full body pain.  All I could do was get up to use the bathroom and eat, and then I was right back in bed.  When I finally came around on Tuesday 8/8, I needed to start calling around to try and find a Lyme's specialist.  After calling 4-5 offices, what I found out was that NONE them take insurance; a first visit will run anywhere from $350 to $550; testing will run $100 to $400; and, every additional visit will be $140 to $200 (not including treatment/medication).

I sat at my kitchen table with tears streaming down my face; feeling very defeated and frustrated.  There is NO way we could afford this.  I took a deep breath, and decided to let Dr. C know what I found out.  He was just as frustrated as me.  He said that he was going to talk to Dr. P (the owner/chiropractor in his office) to see what they can come up with.  

As of today, I'm still waiting to hear what they've come up with.

Limbo.

Wait and see mode.

*sigh*

I've been in this limbo/wait and see position so many times in the last 5 years.  You would think I'd be used to it by now.  But, the truth of the matter is this is not my favorite place to be at all.  It makes me very uneasy and uncomfortable.

You know, I'm really my own worst enemy sometimes.  Okay...most of the time!  I admit, I cause a lot of my own stress.  I like to know what's going on, what I need to do and where I need to go...always!  By nature, I'm a planner...an organizer...a scheduler.  That's who I am.  But, honestly, who I truly am hasn't been working too well for me lately.  I've really been driving myself crazy.

After I contacted Dr. C last Tuesday, through my tears I pleaded with God to take all this from me.  The burden of trying to manage my wellness journey finally got the best of me.  Trying to find a doctor who's a specialist that I can afford.  Dealing with and managing pain 24/7.  Managing my nutrition.  On top of taking care of my family and home.  I was done.  Totally 100% at the end of myself.  

"God take the rest...I'm done!"

BOOM!!  

Just like that a wave of peace immediately came over me, and all that has been running through my mind since that exact moment is "He is Able"!!  

He. Is. Able.

He is able to work all this out for my good.  

He is able to work out all the details so that I can afford a specialist and the testing.

He is able to show us a different path, a better path.  

He is able to make beauty out of these ashes.  

He is able to heal me.  

He. Is. Able.

Three songs have been rolling through my head today.  The first one is "Even If" by Mercy Me, the second one is "I Have This Hope" by Tenth Avenue North and the third one is "I Won't Let You Go" by Switchfoot.

Even If's chorus goes like this:

"I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone"

I Have This Hope's chorus goes like this:

"I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go"

And, I Won't Let You Go's chorus goes like this:

"If you could let the pain of the past go

Of your soul

None of this is in your control

If you could only let your guard down

If you could learn to trust me somehow

Well I swear, that I won't let you go

If you could only let go your doubts

If you could just believe in me now

I swear, that I won't let you go

I won’t let you go"

These songs have blessed my heart today and reminded me that my hope lies in Jesus alone.  I came to the realization today that I've been focusing on the hope that the pain would end, and honestly that's what was consuming my thoughts and prayers.  I was so blinded by my circumstances, how I'm feeling and what was going on around me that I forgot what the truth is.  The truth is my hope is in Jesus alone.

This realization today has not changed my circumstances at all.  Like most days, I'm hurting and hobbling around; trying to do my best do what I need to do for myself and my family.  But, what has changed is my focus.  My heart is lighter.  My head is clearer.  My lungs can breathe again.  My soul has a peace.

I have this hope.  

He is with me.  

He won't let me go.  

He is able to do more than I could ever think of imagine.

He. Is. Able.

Day 233: Operation HOPE...Jesus Take The Wheel

I'm still here!  I know, I know.  It's been a month since my last post.  I don't think I've ever gone that long.  This last month has been T.O.U.G.H.  Road block after road block after road block.  This month has been full of stress, high blood sugars, breakdowns, pain, fatigue, brain fog, tears {lots}, and more stress.  I am not myself AT ALL.  Just ask my family.  It's not been pretty.  Most of my days I'm on auto pilot to just get done what I have to.

Dr. C has been working with the team of doctors, as well as a general practitioner who now works with Dr. C's office {Dr. W}, to try and figure out the best course of action for my case.  All doctors are dumbfounded as to why my sugars are still high.  They think a lot of it has to do with stress {which I have been under a ton of lately}, but are also concerned that I may have Lyme's that no one has caught.  Lyme's, as many of you know, can cause an array of medical issues and symptoms, including all the ones I have. 

Dr. C called me last Thursday (7/27) to tell me that Dr. W suggested I see specialist in Tinton Falls who specializes in Lyme's, Fibro, Chronic Fatigue, etc.  He said he felt this might be the missing piece in my case, and that this doctor could really help get to the bottom of things.  He wanted me to call and make an appointment ASAP.  I was so hopeful.  So, I called immediately to set up an appointment.  

I was told by her receptionist that I couldn't get in until October, the doctor doesn't take insurance, the first visit is $550, and every other appointment is $200 with a non-refundable $150 deposit placed at the time the next appointment is made.  Seriously...can't make this stuff up.  I went from hopeful to what the heck am I going to do in a matter of literally 3 minutes!  I texted Dr. C immediately and told him all that I had just found out.  He said he would reach out to her personally.  I honestly don't know what's going to happen now.

After almost a week of trying, Dr. C couldn't get a hold of this doctor to see if she would work with us.  He tried.  He told me today that he didn't even talk to her...she must be that busy not to talk to a fellow doctor.  All the information he received {which wasn't much} was from her staff.

I saw Dr. C for my monthly appointment today.  He told me that without a doubt he absolutely thinks I have Lyme's.  Despite our best efforts nutritionally, I am not getting better.  I'm still in pain from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, from one degree or another, 24/7!  Dr. C said that all my symptoms are Lyme's symptoms.  It needs to get diagnosed so that it can be treated.  He won't be able to treat me for Lyme's because that's not his specialty, a medical doctor would need to do that.  He said he would continue working with me on the nutrition end, but that I would need a medical doctor to diagnose and treat the Lyme's, and he recommends that I also work with an herbalist to help keep my body safe during treatment.  He said that Lyme's treatment is rough and could take up to a year {Another year!!!}

This is my "Jesus Take The Wheel" moment after hearing all this.  Literally.  I'm sitting here with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes as I type this.  "Lord, You have to take care of this.  I can't do this any more."

I'm so tired....physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  I've been doing this chronic pain {from one degree to another} now for over five years of my life.  Five years of trying this and trying that; waiting and seeing.  Five. Years.  I'm tired.

I saw a quote last week.  It read, "God has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggles and a reward for your faithfulness.  Don't give up!"

I know He has a purpose, if I didn't know that I couldn't have endured this far.  The struggles are VERY real, and, although I can't see the reason, I have to believe there's a reason.  And, I'm so looking forward to the reward of H.O.P.E. {Hold On Pain Ends}!

Day 198: Operation HOPE...I'm Still Here

It's been two weeks since my last post, and quite honestly that has felt like an eternity ago.  It's been a rough month for me.  But, I'm still here...still enduring...still fighting...still working at this.

I met with Dr. C today.  I'm down another 8 pounds for a total of 43 pounds.  I'm losing fat; gaining and maintaining muscle mass.  All of that is so awesome, but up until today I've still been battling my body...pain, fatigue, brain fog, headaches.

I had blood work done on June 19, 2017.  We found out that my Hemoglobin A1c went back up almost two full points, and my triglycerides went up almost 50 points.  This has had both me and Dr. C dumbfounded.  This should not be with the way that I've been eating, detoxing and fasting (at times).  He presented my case to a team of seven other doctors a couple of weeks ago, and they too have been perplexed at why my numbers are going up and why I'm still in so much pain.

I realized a day or so ago that over the last three months I've been eating a lot more fruit in the form of smoothies, and have been turning to Lara bars for snacks way too often.  WAY TOO MUCH SUGAR in all those things.  Even though it's all natural sugar, it's still way too much for my body to process and handle.  Thus, the rise in Hemoglobin A1c.

I asked Dr. C today why my triglycerides are so high, again based on the way I've been eating (which is clean...clean...clean).  He thinks my triglycerides are up because my body is trying so hard to fix itself.  He said that triglycerides rise where there is a lot of inflammation, and the body tries to heal that.  He feels that once we get this blood sugar issue back in order everything else should follow and level out.

Dr. C and the group of doctors think another reason that I'm experiencing this continued pain is because I do not have a gallbladder.  This could be causing a major issue in my body.  I'm not entirely sure where they're going with this yet.  They're still reviewing my case and trying to come up with what's best for me to do at this point.  Until they know how to proceed, because I don't have a gall bladder, I have to watch my fat intake.  Dr. C said today, "lower fat, not no fat".  He suggested one serving or so a day.

I will need to detox more in the future, but not at all in the way that I have in the past.  All doctors are all in agreement that those detoxes were too aggressive for me.  There is actually a doctor in this group who is an expert in detoxification, and she's actively working on a plan for me.  Detox will not happen until the blood sugar issue is back under control.  Dr. C said that he's thinking I probably won't detox again for at least another two months or so.

I will continue to fast intermittently (8 hours during the day, three times a week).  I've been doing this after breakfast, which has been working well for me.  Dr. C told me that fasting overnight isn't as beneficial for healing as it is doing it during the day.

With just a couple of days of cutting back fruit and Lara bars, my numbers have turned around.  We see that with the daily blood sugar checks.  Dr. C is convinced that the blood sugar and lack of gallbladder is what is causing so many of my symptoms (coupled with fibromyalgia).  He is also convinced that all of this is reversible, and we will get to the finish line of reduced or no pain.

All the doctors will meet again on Thursday (6/29) to continue working on a game plan for my continued journey.  I'm anxious so see what they come up with.

The plan for me right now is to get my blood sugar back under control by eating as low glycemic as possible, keep my protein intake up, eat as much leafy greens as I like, and fast for 8 hours a day three times a week.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I haven't come this far to quit.  Although, if I'm being 100% honest, the thought has crossed my mind many, many times over this last month or so.  This journey is long, hard and exhausting, but I continue to walk it because I see the benefit of this process and going back to where I was 43 pounds ago is not an option in my mind or heart.  I have unfaltering faith and hope that, by the grace of God, I will one day get to a place were I have no more pain!  Oh what a glorious day that will be!!

H.O.P.E. = Hold On Pain Ends

Day 183: Operation HOPE...Keep Fighting

The above statement was absolutely written for me.  This is exactly how I feel at this point.  This valley that I've been in has got to be one of the hardest that I've had to go through in a long while.  I've been battling my own body for quite some time now, but these last few weeks have been unreal.

I am tired.
I am fed up.
I feel like I'm close to breaking.
I feel weak.

Dr. C has a definitive hypothesis about what's going on with me.  I'm not comfortable right now sharing what that is until there's more definitive information.  I can say this, though, he is tirelessly working on getting to the bottom of all this.  He told me yesterday that he's presenting my case to seven other doctors on Thursday.  I'm praying that they can come up something to reverse all this pain I've been in for many, many years.  Dr. C has had me on a three day "food challenge".  Saturday and Sunday I had major reactions...MAJOR.  Today is the last day of the challenge.

Keep fighting...that's the only choice I have.

Keep fighting...I didn't come this far to quit.

Keep fighting...because I have faith in Dr. C and this process

Keep fighting...because I have HOPE that one day this pain will be a distant memory.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God,

The Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary,

And His understaning no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary

And increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

But those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles,

They will run and not grow weary,

They will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)

H.O.P.E.= Hold On Pain Ends

Day 178: Operation HOPE...A Bit of a Setback

I've tried to write this blog post three times now.  Those of you who truly know me know that I like things to be systematic, organized and pretty.  I don't like it when I don't look like I have it all together...when things aren't okay.  That is a very uncomfortable place for me.

I've learned over the past 5 years to hide a lot behind my broad smile and pulled back shoulders.  I've mastered wearing the mask in my answers of "I'm fine" and "I'm hanging in there" when asked how I'm doing.  The truth of the matter is, if I want to keep the integrity of this blog as truthful and honest, I need to go against my grain and lay the mask down.

I'm not fine...and I feel like I'm literally hanging on by a thread.

I just shared with you all five great blog posts about 5 days that I spent with my family celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary.  I was able to get through that time by taking some pain medication just about every day, and resting when I could.  It was truly a great time with my family, and I'm not one bit sorry that I pushed myself through it.

The blog before all that was Day 155.  I had shared that I had been on a detox, and was still recovering from it.  I was still dealing with side effects during our anniversary celebration time.

The Monday after our anniversary (May 22nd), I saw Dr. C.  The great news is I've lost a total of 35.5 pounds and almost 10% body fat.  The not so great news is that I'm still experiencing horrible pain.  Dr. C said that I definitely experienced Herxheimer's, which I referred to in my Day 152 blog post.  He did say, though, that I needed to continue slowly with detoxing to get the toxins and heavy metals out of my system.

On May 27th, I started a detox supplement called "Metal-X-Synergy"...6 capsules throughout the day.

On May 30th, I began having mild symptoms of Herxheimer's.

On May 31st, I woke up with terrible symptoms.  Definitely worse.  Dr. C told me to only take 4 capsules instead of 6.  My symptoms worsened throughout the day, and it effected my mood & attitude terribly.

By the time June 1st rolled around, the symptoms were absolutely unbearable.  After explaining everything that went on the day before and how I woke up, he took me off the Metal-X.

Since June 1st, through today, my symptoms have been horrendous.  I've been experiencing terrible headaches, brain fog, difficulty at times formulating my words, tingling in my face, neck, shoulders and shoulder blades, terrible joint, muscle and bone pain.

Dr. C has been researching like crazy trying to come up with another course of treatment to help me.  I'm still waiting for him on that.  He most recently put me on a high dose of Curcumin, to try and help reduce some of this pain.  We'll see if that helps at all.  He mentioned today that the weather plays a huge factor in things (which I knew), and the weather here in New Jersey has been downright lousy.  Rainy, cloudy and cold.

A couple of months or so back, he mentioned me possibly seeing a neurologist.  I asked him if he still thought that might be a direction to go.  He said that he thought it was still a good option, but that we should consult Dr. P and get his clinical opinion {that probably won't happen until my next appointment on 6/27}.  Dr. C then said that we need to keep fighting because I've improved a lot in areas such as weight loss and dumping toxins {which I know}.  He's constantly encouraging me to hang in there; that he's close to being done with his research.  I told him to do what he needed to do, that I'm not giving up by any means, and agree with what he's telling me and doing.

I meant what I said, I'm not giving up by any means.  I didn't come this far to quit.  But, I'm so very frustrated, and oh so very tired.  Tired physically, mentally and emotionally.  Being in pain, from one degree to another, 24/7 for close to five years is no joke.  I'm tired and worn.

H.O.P.E. = Hold On Pain Ends

Allaire State Park {5-20-17}

The last thing on our "staycation" agenda was to go bike riding at Allaire State Park.  If you've never been there, Google it and check it out.  It's truly amazing.  We love it there.

I haven't been on a bike ride with my family for over five years.  I set this goal for myself, and really wanted to see it through.  However, all the activities that we had done up to that point wiped me out.  I woke up on Saturday, May 20th in a lot of pain, and told Scott that I didn't think we'd be able to go bike riding.  I was so disappointed.  Not only for myself but for my family.  We were all really looking forward to this trip.

I wound up resting most of the morning, and then late morning decided to take a pain pill late {I needed one the day of our anniversary, before we left and after we got home from Liberty State Park}.  Within an hour or so I started feeling better and told Scott that I think we should go.

So, Scott and Noah loaded our bikes on the bike rack and we were off.  We stopped off at Jersey Mike's to pick up sandwiches for a quick picnic supper {they now how gluten free rolls...YAY for me!}.  When we arrived at Allaire, Scott and Noah unloaded the bikes, we ate and then it was bike riding time.

Our bikes together once again!

Allaire has great paved bike paths.  The saying is true, "Once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget."  I got on my bike, and was able to ride close to a mile before my body gave in.  I was elated not only because I met my goal, but because my family was so happy.  The smiles on their faces spoke volumes to me.  What a feeling!

This is at the end of our ride a nice lady stopped & offered to take our picture.

We had a wonderful time celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary!  We did everything I had planned for us to do.  It was an absolutely perfect "staycation".  I really pushed myself during that week, but I'm not one bit sorry.  We spent a lot of time together and made some amazing memories.  I am so grateful and humbled that God gave me these three amazing people to do life with!  I wouldn't want it any other way.  My cup runneth over and over!!

The Sheldon's Visit Ellis Island and Statue of Liberty {5-19-17}

The day before Scott and I got married we took a get away day trip to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty.  We felt that it was fitting to go back there during our 20th anniversary celebration.

We took the ferry from Liberty State Park (the NJ side).  Our first stop was Ellis Island.  We couldn't believe how busy it was.  I never thought that there would be so many school groups and tourists visiting that day.  Even though it was crowded, we were able to see most of the museum.  Sarah did the "Junior Ranger" program they offered.  That really helped us see key points in the museum.  I told Scott and the kids that we need to go during a time of the year that schools wouldn't be taking trips so that we could focus on the things we didn't get to see.

Ellis Island - Great Hall

Next stop was The Statue of Liberty.  Unfortunately, because of so many school groups and tourists we couldn't get inside The Statue of Liberty to the museum.  That was a real bummer because there is so much great information about Lady Liberty in that museum.  Yet another reason we need to go back!  But, you know the saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."  And, lemonade we made.  We enjoyed walking around Liberty Island together.  We took it all in.  The sun.  The magnificent view of the NYC Skyline.  The grandeur of Lady Liberty herself.

The Sheldon's and Lady Liberty

From the moment we arrived at Liberty State Park, my heartstrings were being tugged at.  You see, the last time Scott, Noah and I were there was on September 10, 2001...the day before that terrible day in our nation's history we all know was "9-11".  At that time, Scott's dad was visiting us from California.  We took him to Liberty State Park that day, and did this same exact trip.  As we stood on Liberty Island, my father-in-law kept saying how magnificent the Twin Towers were, and that the last time he was in NYC they weren't even built.  After he said that, I said, "Well, then we should go there tomorrow."  That was our plan leaving Liberty Island on September 10, 2001; to head into the City on September 11, 2001, and go to the top of the Twin Towers.  The next morning, as we were getting ready to embark on our trip, we saw the attacks first hand on television.  And, the rest is of course history.  Being a Jersey Girl, born and raised here, the NYC Skyline is burned into my mind's eye.  Since 9-11, it has been difficult for me to see that iconic skyline any other way.  

When we arrived at Liberty State Park, we were face to face with the new Freedom Tower, which stands in place of the Twin Towers.  As we walked into the park, I was jolted by a memorial that we saw.  It was two beams from the Twin Towers, and two walls that resemble the Twin Towers.  This memorial is affectionately called "Empty Sky - New Jersey September 11th Memorial", and on those walls are engraved the names of all the people from New Jersey who died on that horrific day.  The moment I saw it I burst into tears, and just quietly sobbed as the emotions of that day (and days after) came flooding back.  This memorial was so beautifully done.  It was literally breathtaking.

Empty Sky - New Jersey September 11th Memorial

This trip was so amazing!  I am so grateful that we were able to share all these experiences together as a family.

Celebrating 20 Years!!! {5-18-17}

May 18, 1997...the day we said "I Do".  It was a gorgeous, sunny, warm Sunday afternoon.  Scott and I met each other at Point Pleasant Presbyterian church as single people but left as husband and wife. With an exchange of vows and rings, sealed with a kiss, we were on our way to start our new life together.  Little did we know all those years ago where we would be today.

Mr. & Mrs. Scott Bradley Sheldon

Our 20 years have absolutely been filled with everything our vows said they would be.  We've had many good times, mixed with some bad times...we've walked through plenty of sick times, rejoiced & enjoyed the healthy times...we've relished in richer times, and struggled & prayed through poor times.  We've experienced the passing of dear family and friends...especially three babies that we lost due to miscarriage.  We've rejoiced in the births of our two amazing, wonderful children, and continue to be so overjoyed at the people they have become.  Throughout the past 20 years, in all situations, we've always strived to keep Jesus as the center of our lives, marriage and family.  It is because of Him, His love and sacrifice for us that we have made it to this point of our life together.

May 18, 2017...our 20th Wedding Anniversary...the day we still say "I Do"!!  It was a gorgeous, sunny, warm Thursday evening.  What a thrill it was for me to stand the steps of the church where we left 20 years ago as husband and wife.  I cannot tell you how I felt standing there reminiscing about our wedding day.  All the emotions of that day came flooding back.  I couldn't stop smiling.  I was so happy...and so proud that we've made it to this point of our life together.

Mr. & Mrs. Scott Bradley Sheldon - 20 Years Later!!

When we arrived at the church, we noticed that their sign read "Love Endures".  So very appropriate for us to see on that day!

An absolutely perfect statement for us!!

After we reminisced about our wedding ceremony and took pictures, we left the church to go to our reception site...The Lobster Shanty.

Back when I was planning our wedding, I had picked this place for two reasons.  One because of the location.  It was really close to the church, and the view of the water and sunset are absolutely stunning at this venue.  Secondly, because when Scott and I met it was right around the time the TV show FRIENDS was popular.  There was an episode* where Phoebe told Ross that a relationship with Rachel would happen because she was his lobster.  This episode aired right around the time Scott and I met, and from that moment on we said that we were each other's lobsters.  So, The Lobster Shanty was the absolute perfect place for us to have our wedding reception at.

We enjoyed a wonderful supper at The Lobster Shanty, complete with a gorgeous view of the water and sunset.

After supper, we went to a local coffee shop.  We took our stuff to go, and headed to the inlet.  We sat in our car with the windows down and enjoyed the smell of the ocean, the view of the water and the boats coming in and out of the inlet.

This day was absolutely perfect for us.  Just like our wedding day!!

*Losbster Episode:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyvRjF0NBeM&ab_channel=Transponster

Beach Therapy: Point Pleasant Beach {5-17-17}

I am so behind in blogging!  I cannot believe that we took this trip to the beach over two weeks ago!

Scott and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on May 18th.  Many couples when they hit the 20 year mark celebrate it by going away to some exotic location all by themselves.  Although that thought crossed my mind, the more I thought about it the more I just wanted to spend this time celebrating with our entire family.  We spent five days celebrating our 20th anniversary together on a family "staycation"!

We kicked off our family staycation on May 17th with a picnic supper on Point Pleasant Beach!!

For our celebratory supper, I ordered food from Joe Leone's Italian Specialties & Catering (https://www.joeleones.com/).  We had grilled chicken, grilled vegetables, sausage & peppers, broccoli rabe...and Sarah had a meatball (or two)!  It was A-MAZ-ING!!!

It was pretty windy and cool that night, but that didn't stop us from enjoying our supper and then exploring the jetties and shore line.

This trip including everything I love most on this earth.  My husband...my son...my daughter and my home away from home...the beach!!  What a way to kick off our 20th anniversary celebration!!

Take Me Out To The Ballgame!

My family and I went to First Energy Park in Lakewood to see the Blue Claws game last night.  I was so glad that I was feeling well enough to head out and share this night with my family.

I had heard that Tim Tebow was playing for the other team, and really wanted to get there to see him play.  Every year my husband's office gets season passes and makes them available to their employees.  So, we were able to get tickets on the first base line for last night's game.  So exciting!

It was a beautiful night surrounded by the three people I love the most in this world.

Our seats were awesome!

Tebow Time!!  It was so great to see this amazing young man in person.  I've been following him for a few years.  I appreciate him and what he stands for.  He's a class act!

 

I want to share my personal experience with trying to find "safe food" for me at the ballpark last night.  Most places, including this ballpark, does not allow you to bring in outside food.  The day got away from me, and I didn't eat supper before we went.  I wasn't too concerned because I thought for sure I'd be able to find something.  {Read on to see that I really learned my lesson to plan ahead!!}

Because of the nutrition plan I'm on, I cannot have gluten, dairy or soy {among other things}.  I went to the information booth and asked if there was a place that could accommodate me.  They gave us passes to go to their restaurant which is located where the boxes are.  We went up there, and we were told that we couldn't get something to go.  Since I didn't want to miss 30+ minutes of the game, we went back downstairs to the concession stand.  I saw a turkey burger on the menu, so I decided that's what I would get without the bun.  Well, when I ordered it, I was told that they didn't have any more turkey burgers.  I tried one more place that was cooking hibachi type food thinking I could have them leave off the sauce.  Well, everything was marinated in teriyaki sauce {which has soy in it}.  So, that was out.  I was frustrated and hungry!  But, there was nothing I could do but drink water.

A little while later, my son got up from his seat.  I thought he was going to the restroom but when he came back he had a "to go" box in his hand.  When I opened the box, there was a piece of grilled chicken, two slices of tomato, lettuce, onion, two pickles & fries {which I'm not supposed to have...but had a few...which I won't ever do again.  They were so gross to me!!  YUCK!!}.  I looked at him with tears in my eyes.  I asked him where he got it.  He said that he went back up to the restaurant and asked them if he could order something to go.  They told him yes, and that's what he ordered for me {don't know why we were told at first we couldn't get stuff to go}.  I asked how he paid for it, and he said, "I have money."  {He's a working man now...LOL!}.  And, then I said, you didn't have to do this, and he said, "Yes I did.  You had to eat."

What a sweet act of kindness and service my son gave me last night.  It still overwhelms me of his care and concern for me.  I'm blown away that he used his own money to buy me a safe dinner for me to eat.  I'll never know what I've done to deserve to be his mother!  I'm so glad he's mine!!  My heart is so blessed and encouraged by him.

All in all it was an amazing night with my wonderful family!!  Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of my family and the night that we shared together!

Day 155: Operation HOPE...Still Recuperating

Ann Voskamp posted this picture on Facebook.  It was the first thing I saw when I opened my news feed this morning.

This is not the first time one of Ann Voskamp's posts was exactly what I needed when I needed it.  Over the last few years, the Lord has used her words and posts to encourage and bless my heart.  Today was no exception.

It's been 13 days since I started this last round of detox shakes, and 4 days since I've been totally off it.  Believe it or not, I'm still recuperating!  This round was no joke...and I didn't even finish it!

I started doing the detox on May 4th.  By May 8th I started experiencing more severe symptoms.  On May 10th Dr. C told me to do the shake every other day.  So, I didn't take it on May 11th, but did on May 12th.  By the evening of May 12th, my body hit a brick wall.  I had a full blown migraine and could barely function because of the debilitating pain I was experiencing.  I literally spent Saturday & Sunday (May 13th and May 14th) in bed.  I slept most of this last weekend away.  And, when I was awake, was dealing with unbelievable full body pain, headache, nausea, vomiting and was very light headed.  Dr. C referred to all this as a "healing crisis" called "Herxheimer Reaction/Effect".  I talked about this in my last blog post dated May 13th.  As of today (May 16), I'm still feeling the effects of this "healing crisis".  I'm certainly better than I was over the weekend, but still have a mild headache, full body pain, nausea and just not feeling myself.

I saw Dr. C yesterday, and despite all that's going on, he's encouraged that my body reacted so quickly to this detox.  He said that it's showing him that my body is really healing (even though it doesn't feel like it).  The last detox it took me close to 3 weeks to get to this point, and my symptoms weren't as bad then as they were/are now.  With this round, I started experiencing symptoms in just 4 days.  In a healing perspective, that's huge!  He likened it to chiseling away at layers and layers of paint.  He said the first few layers take a lot of time an energy, but as you get down to the surface it becomes quicker and easier.  That's what's going on with my body.  I'm chiseling away at all the garbage that has built up in my body all the years of my life (really), and as I continue on this journey, because of how clean I'm eating and the supplements I'm taking it's getting easier and easier for my body to do what it needs to do...heal.  That was encouraging to me.

I did wind up taking a few pain pills over the weekend because I just couldn't take the pain any longer.  I told Dr. C that I was really surprised at how they effected me.  I took Percocet for years for my pain.  All it would do is relax me, and it NEVER worked on a headache.  I remember times where I took double the prescription when I had a headache and it wouldn't even touch it.  This weekend, not only did it really help with my full body pain, but it also helped with my headache pain.  I was shocked.  Dr. C said that is telling him that my liver is clean and processing the way that it should.  As a side note:  Both of us are not happy that I had to use synthetic medication to help me this weekend, but we both are in agreement that I had to do what I had to do at this point.  And, he actually was the one to suggest that I take the pain pill.

My reality is that I will need to continue to detox through this journey.  I've known this all along.  But, Dr. C told me that he will never have me on a detox for days on end.  What I will most likely will do is do them 1 day on and 10 days off.  He said it will take more time, but the end result will ultimately be the same.  I'm very okay with that.  I really do not want to experience this again.

I asked a very hard question yesterday.  It's been rolling through my mind for a week now.  I asked him if he thought I'm "sicker" than we thought when I first presented my case to him in December.  And, he said "Yes, it's very possible".  I wasn't shocked by his response because in my heart I already knew.  I knew by the fact that I'm doing every single thing that he's telling me to do and I'm just not getting over the hump.  I knew because I can just feel it.  This pain is constant, real and oppressive at times.  Fibromyalgia is no joke.

At this point, Dr. C is going to shift his focus onto trying to really get to the bottom of this Fibro pain.  He reached out to a colleague yesterday, and will then be forming a game plan as to how to proceed with me.  Until then, I'm off the detox most likely until the summer or we get a handle on this pain (whichever comes first), and I'm to just focus on recuperating from this round of detox.  That means basically rest as much as I can...which will be easy because I really do not have the stamina to do much right now.

I ran the gamut of emotions yesterday.  I was all over my emotional map.  I went from anxious to sad to frustrated to encouraged to hopeful to grateful.  Tears flowed.  I made a conscious effort to breathe...deep sighs and cleansing breaths.  I've said it before...I'm not healed but I am healing...and...healing hurts!  There are no two ways about it.  This is my reality.  This is where I am.  I know that God is not going to waste not one of my tears or any of my struggle.  I know He will make beauty of these ashes.  I can in many ways see some fruit of that.  This is my story.  My journey.  By God's grace and strength, I will continue to persevere on to the end...no more pain!

H.O.P.E. = Hold On Pain Ends

Day 152: Operation HOPE...Herxheimer What Now?

I've been battling for almost a week with symptoms from this detox.  A couple of days ago, Dr. C said that I should now do the shakes every other day.  So, that's what I did.  I didn't have one on Thursday, but had one yesterday.  I felt lousy most of yesterday.  I had a mild headache and brain fog, with pronounced full body pain.  Despite that, I plowed through my day {had lots and lots to do yesterday}.  Last night, right before bed, I crashed and burned.  I had a full blown migraine with unbelievable body pain.  I was so happy that it was bed time!

I woke this morning with my head pounding, stomach nauseous, slight dizziness and debilitating full body pain!  Just miserable!!  Tears filled my eyes as this immediately brought me back to how I was feeling before I started this wellness journey.  Oh how frustrating, and so saddening to me.

I reached out to Dr. C and told him all I was experiencing and feeling.  His response to me was, "It's Herxheimer Effect.  It is a healing crisis."

I thought, "Herxheimer what now?"  I immediately looked it up.  Here's the first explanation I found:

"The Herxheimer Reaction is a short-term (from days to a few weeks) detoxification reactio in the body.  As the body detoxifies, it is not uncommon to experience flu-like symptoms including headache, join and muscle pain, body aches, sore throat, general malaise, sweating, chills, nausea or other symptoms."

Wow!  Unbelievable!  That pretty much sums up how I've been feeling for most of this week.  Absolutely crazy!!

Herxheimer Effect/Reaction = Road Block  {Big road block with flashing lights and all!}

Dr. C wants me to stop the detox {yet again}.  I'm not happy about the fact that I can't seem to get through a detox that I know is so necessary for my healing.  But, am grateful that I don't have to plow through feeling the way that I do.  Dr. C said this morning that if I wasn't under pressure and stress {which yes is still an issue that I'm working on}, and it was warmer he would have me continue.  His suggestion is that we do the final detox in pieces over the summer when it's hot and there's sunshine.  He's told me in the last few weeks that I need to be out in the sunshine a lot more than I am; to which I tell him that I would be if we've had that type of weather.  It's been cloudy and/or rainy and cold most days here in the Northeast.

I'm disappointed because I really wanted to see this detox through this time.  But, I guess this isn't the right time.  Maybe it will be better in the summer, and maybe as I do it in "pieces" it will not effect me near as much as it has.  This road block is not going to stop me from continuing on.  I absolutely need to see this through to the end...no more pain!!

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens..."

Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)

H.O.P.E. = Hold On Pain Ends

Day 150: Operation HOPE...Always Adjusting

One thing I'm learning as I continue day by day on this journey is how to be flexible and go with the flow.  Those of you who really know me know that this goes totally against my grain.  To a fault, I'm a planner and an organizer.  I'm the type of person who always needs to know what's going on...what will or could happen.  It's how I'm wired.  It's who I am.  God definitely has a sense of humor, and has placed me in a position that I need to learn how work against my grain.  Good times!  {Sarcasm intended!}

A week ago I had a plan.  The plan was that I was going to start this detox.  I jumped in with two feet and the plan was to see it through no matter what.  That plan was in place until this morning.  I woke with unbelievable full body pain, a horrible headache and brain fog.

I shared my symptoms and my commitments for today {the fact that I wouldn't be able to rest like I have the last few days} with Dr. C and he said, "Ok.  Do not do detox shakes on busy days.  You are dumping lots of toxins."

I responded, "Unfortunately, most of my days are busy days.  Maybe I should try every other day to see if that helps."

He then said, "Yes, every second day now."

BOOM!  Just like that the plan has changed!  I. A. BLINK. OF. AN. EYE.

A half a year or so ago, I would get anxious, aggravated and frustrated at a sudden change in a plan I thought was a good one.  But, instead, today I'm grateful...!!

Grateful that I have a doctor who isn't afraid to change the course of treatment to fit my needs based on what is happening right now.  Grateful for a doctor that always, always has my best interest in mind.  Grateful for a doctor who will not quit because things get hard or when they don't make sense.  Grateful that I have a doctor who doesn't push me to the back burner and/or ignore me when I reach out to him.  Grateful for a doctor who gets me and treats me as me...not as a number or a group of people with similar issues...but rather an individual person with unique issues and symptoms that are mine and mine alone.

God has blessed me beyond what I could have ever thought or imagined by leading me to this amazing office, and putting me on this journey.  This journey is teaching me so much.  I'm learning to adjust.  Learning to be flexible.  Learning to go with the flow.  Learning to surrender to the process.

This journey is still very hard and messy.  I'm still healing.  I'm still in pain.  Healing hurts.  Despite that, though, I see the good.  I'm know I'm on the right path, and I have HOPE that I will see a day where I am fully healed!!

H.O.P.E. = Hold On Pain Ends

Day 149: Operation HOPE...Detoxing {Again!}

A week ago today I started the "blueberry sludge" detox again.  Believe it or not, though, it isn't too bad now.  I guess my taste buds changed that drastically that it doesn't bother me at all!

I'm still batting ongoing full body pain.  Since starting this program in December 2016, my pain level has shifted from "Oppressive...how am I going to continue to live like this" to "Okay...I can tolerate this".  Even though the pain level has shifted, I'm still in pain 24/7.  The truth of the matter is, I'm doing this entire process to be out of pain...and I'm no where near that and I'm not okay with that.  After sharing that with Dr. C, he suggested last week that I restart the detox that I didn't finish.  I stopped it mid-February because he thought that my body wasn't handling it well.  He felt that I should be able to tolerate it better this time around {since I'm almost 2 more months into the program}, and that the detox will aid in getting the rest of the toxins out of my body that could be causing the continued pain I'm in.

Five days into the detox {on Monday}, I started experiencing some symptoms.  Brain fog.  Slight headache.  Exhausted.  No energy.  Elevated full body pain.

I reached out to Dr. C yesterday and made the statement, "I'm hoping that the increase in pain is the detox working."  To which he responded, "Yes, it can certainly be a healing crisis."  I then shared with him that the difference in my mind this time is that I know why there's an increase in symptoms, and I've already purposed in my mind and heart that I will not plow through the pain {like the last time}.  I plan on resting when I need to and will take better care of myself during this detoxing time.  After I shared those thoughts with Dr. C, and he responded, "Yes, sleep and rest a lot".  Which I did yesterday because I just couldn't go any more.  I actually napped {which I haven't done in ages}, and went to bed early and slept through the night.

This morning I woke up feeling worse than yesterday.  I feel very run down and am literally hurting from head to toe.  I shared with Dr. C this morning that even though the pain and fatigue are high, I really want to see this detox through.  I'm hoping that at the end of it {the detox} not only will the toxins be flushed out of my system but this pain will be, too.  I asked him if he felt that was a reasonable statement.  He responded by saying, "Progressive thinking, yes.  Toxins leave but part of pain is the body repairing toxin damage."  To which I responded, "That makes perfect sense.  I'm going to ride this wave out and hang in there as long as I can.  My goal is getting out of this pain.  I'll do whatever I have to do to achieve that."

I've been committed to this for 149 days, and will continue to stay committed.  No compromise.  No excuses.  I will see this process through to the end...the end of my pain!!!!

H.O.P.E. = Hold On Pain Ends