Day 51: Operation HOPE...Update

What?  Seriously?  Day 51?!?  Time is just slipping right by me.  I cannot believe that it's been 11 days since my last "update".  I really can't believe that I'm on Day 51 of this program.  That is just C-R-A-Z-Y!!

So...here's what's been going on...

PROGRAM/FOOD:  This has stayed exactly the same.  I eat the same things that I have since week one.  The only difference is I don't have to the follow the menus as strict as I did during week one.  I can mix and match the menus, which is a huge help.  I feel like I have the food part pretty much under control.  Praise God!

DETOX SHAKE:  Today I finished number 14 out of 30.  It's not as horrible as it was the first few days...but it still is no where near sweet and good, like I was told it would be.  I found that adding ice to the blender {before blending the ingredients} helps, and I need to stick with blueberries.  I tried other berries, and even cherries, and really didn't like it as much as I did with the blueberries.  It will never be a blueberry muffin {no matter how many times I imagine it to be}...but I know that I need it to help me reach my goal...a pain-free life!

MY SKIN:  I cannot tell you how many people have complemented me on my skin.  I've heard anything from "you're glowing", "you're beaming" to "your skin looks so great".  I honestly don't notice this difference myself, but I guess it's the truth because I've heard it a lot lately.

That said, even though my skin is telling everyone that I'm "glowing" and "beaming", most days I don't feel like I'm glowing or beaming.  Most days I feel like I'm dragging and hurting.  I really wish that I felt as good as everyone thinks I look...which brings me to my next two topics...fatigue & pain.

FATIGUE:  I'm still battling no energy and being tired 85-90% of my day.  Most days I'm dragging myself from one thing to another.  There have been many nights where I go to bed super early because I just cannot go any more.  I cannot wait until this fatigue is gone!

PAIN:  Unfortunately, I'm still battling pain, too...from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.  I will say that, despite the pain, I feel like I'm moving around a little bit better during the day than I was before.  Nights are still really, really hard {especially if I've pushed myself during the day}.  I cannot wait until this pain is gone!

The fatigue and pain are always with me.

My body isn't healed yet.

The healing process will take time.

Even though those statements are my reality, my commitment and hope in this process is firm.  I believe with my whole being that these changes and sacrifices that I have made and are making aren't for naught.  I believe that God is 100% in the midst of this process.  I also believe that in His timing there will come a day when the healing process will stop, and pain-free living will commence.  That is my hope...that is my prize!

HOPE = Hold On Pain Ends!!

Tuesday Tip...Encouragement Spot

                                                                                                                                                                              Photo from consumercredit.com


Welcome to my first installment of "Tuesday Tip"!

When going through a challenging journey, whether it be a health and lifestyle change like mine or any other type of problem {work, relationship, school, etc.}, make yourself an "Encouragement Spot"!  Bring together, in one spot, items that encourage and bless you.  Your Encouragement Spot should be in a place is that always within eye shot throughout your day.

Since I spend a lot of time in my kitchen, my Encouragement Spot is on my windowsill {see pictures below}.  I picked items that are in colors that soothe me, contain positive, encouraging words, and favorite gifts given to me by family and friends.  I cannot tell you how many times these items brought a smile to my face and encouragement to my heart.

Why not create your very own "Encouragement Spot"?  If you do, I'd love to see what it looks like.  Please post a comment below!

My Encouragement Spot

"I Can Do All Things..." cross given to me by a sweet friend.
A domino with words of affirmation from a retreat I went on.
"Pray Hardest When It's Hardest To Pray" plaque I bought from Hobby Lobby. {I love that place!}
A sweet dish with two white birds given to me by an equally sweet friend

"Love" plaque given to me by a dear friend.  {I love everything about this plaque!}

"Once You Choose Hope Anything IS Possible" plaque.  {I also bought this at Hobby Lobby.}
Pioneer Woman cow and Mason jar.  {I love everything Pioneer Woman!  It makes me smile!}

Angels Are Among Us!
{The two on either end are from Trades of Hope;
the two stained glass ones are from my kiddos;
and, the one in the center was crocheted by my sister.}

Day 40: Operation HOPE...The Big 4-0!!

No...it's not my birthday.  I've already turned "The Big 4-0" many moons ago!

It's actually Day 40 of my Operation HOPE {Hold On Pain Ends} journey!!!!

Seriously?  How can I be on Day 40 already?  Wasn't it just yesterday I started this crazy, hard, journey where I radically changed my lifestyle to get healthy and get out of this oppressive pain that I've been in for years?

W-O-W!  The Big 4-0!  I really think a celebration is in order!  Who's with me?  Let's celebrate!!

What should we do?

Red Robin?  Nah.

Italian food?  Nah.

Chinese food?  Nah.

Cake?  Nah.

Ice Cream?  Nah.

Cookies?  Nah.

Honestly, 41 days ago that's exactly what I would have done.  I would have celebrated a major milestone with dinner out or dessert...or both!!

But, today, as nice as all those things may sound, what I really want more than anything is to be healthy and out of this oppressive pain.

You may remember that early on in this journey I said, "Nothing is going to taste as good as healthy will feel".  I've been preaching that to myself for 40 days.  I know this quote, along with the amazing support from my family and friends, has gotten me through to this day.  Day 40!!  The Big 4-0!!!

Instead of celebrating this milestone with food...here's how I'm going to celebrate:

• I'm going to thank the Lord for the last 40 days.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  All of it.
• I'm going to reflect on the last 40 days.  Where I was and where I'm at now.
• I'm going to pray and look forward to the day when I am pain-free!  What a glorious day that will be!!
• I'm going to read through my blog posts from the last 40 days!  And, all the wonderful comments from my family and friends!
• Even though "getting skinny" is not why I'm doing this...I'm going to enjoy the fact that ALL my clothes are so much looser than 40 days ago.

And, after all that, I may have two pieces of my new favorite Enjoy Life dark chocolate!  After all, it is a celebration!

Hooray for Day 40!  Here's to 40 more!!

Day 37: Operation HOPE...Good is Subjective

                                            Photo from paleogrubs.com

"Good is Subjective".  I learned this lesson this morning.

When I met with Dr. C yesterday, he suggested I do a 30-day liver detox to flush the toxins from the statin medication I've taken for many years.  He gave me two options.

Option 1:  A shake.  I'd have to purchase a powder supplement from him, put it in the blender with ice, water and a cup of blueberries, and consume this every day for 30 days.  He said it would be "good" and "nice"...and it works great!

Option 2:  A juice.  I'd have to juice beets {raw}, super greens and various other vegetables every day for 30 days.  He said that this juice is "brutal" and "doesn't taste really good"...but it also works great!

The choice was mine.

Of course, I chose Option 1.  For the obvious reasons.  Mostly because of Dr. C's comments about the taste of the shake verses the taste of the juice, and also for the ease in making a shake verses making a juice.

Remember I said that "Good is Subjective"?  Well, Dr. C's definition of "good" is certainly not my definition of "good".

He told me the shake would be "frothy" and "sweet".

It definitely was "frothy"...I'll give him that.

But, sweet?  Um...no.  His version of "sweet" is definitely not my version of sweet.  My version of sweet is a blueberry muffin.  I'd have to say that he's never had a blueberry muffin if this is his version of sweet.

It was also very "gritty" from the powder.  All I could really taste was the powder.

Oh, and did I mention that this concoction, after blended together, measured two cups?!?  Yup!  Two frothy, not-so-sweet, gritty cups of blueberry sludge!  {Insert the sound of crickets chirping here!}

*sigh*

So..."good" is most definitely subjective.

Dr. C's "good" isn't my "good" {at least in this case}.  So, what is my "subjective good"?

• I finished it!  All two cups of it! {This is good!}
• One down, 29 more to go!  {This is good!}
• I know that Dr. C always has my full recovery and best interest in mind.  {This is really good!}
• The shake may not have tasted good to me, but I know at the end of the 30 days it's going to do awesome things for my body, and help my body heal and recover.  {This is really, really good!}

For all these things, I'm so very thankful!  My heart knows it well.

"...in everything give thanks..."

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NASB)

{Emphasis added by me!}

"The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful

and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it

and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents

who bring fullest Light to all the world."

~Ann Voskamp

from her book "One Thousand Gifts"

Day 36: Operation HOPE...Doctors' Report

Today is Day 36.  I had my month follow up appointment with both my nutritionist (Dr. C.) and the owner/chiropractor (Dr. P.) today.

In 36 days;

• I've lost 12.8 pounds.  {W-O-W!}
• I've lost 4.4% body fat.  {Double-W-O-W!!}
• I've gained muscle mass (because my body is now burning fat).  {Triple-W-O-W!!!}

Dr. C. was ecstatic with these numbers.  He was actually blown away.  He told Scott and I that he doesn't normally see these sort of numbers in a first month from patients who are women.  I reminded him that I'm not like every other patient.  😉  He also couldn't believe that I've stuck to this program 98% of the time.  {I had to tell him I had some Triscuits on New Years Eve and a few yesterday!}  His exact words were, "Impressive.  Good for you!"

Dr. C. said that because my numbers are so good, he wants me to continue on the same program I've been on for the last 36 days!  {Insert Snoopy happy dance!!}  I was SO happy when I heard that!!  I was really concerned about the next phase of the program.  I did not want to do that phase!  So, for now, thankfully, it's on the back burner.

On top of continuing the same plan, I will begin a more invasive detox/cleanse.  The sole purpose of this detox is to detox my liver from statin medication toxins.  I will be supplementing a meal or snack with a shake of ice, water, blueberries and a cleanse supplement powder.  Dr. C. said that after a month of this detox, I may see a little difference in the muscle pain that I'm having.  Especially since I've already stopped taking the statin drug a month ago.  I stopped that medication on my own for two reasons:  

1. I felt I was trying to cleanse my body but was still putting medications in.  I felt that eating clean would take care of the cholesterol issue that I've had, so I felt comfortable stopping this medication.
2. My legs were hurting so much I felt that stopping that medication would help.  As it was, I could only take it four times a week (instead of seven) because of the horrible leg cramps I would get.

I talked to both doctors about the extreme pain and fatigue I've been experiencing.  I also voiced my frustration in the fact that I'm doing every single thing they've told me to, and I'm still in so much pain and so tired.  They both said {separately} that it's going to take time to clear my body of the toxins and turn my bad cells around to good cells.  They both said that it could be at least another month or two before I start to see some change in my pain level {but I'm to understand that this is a cautiously optimistic time-frame...it could be longer}; and, they both said that it could ultimately take up to a year for my full recovery.  They reminded me that all this didn't happen to my body overnight, and therefore, it won't be fixed overnight.

Had I heard this news before my revelation yesterday {that I'm still recovering and not healed yet}, I think I would have freaked out.  But, I didn't.  I sighed and said, "okay".  I guess this is all part of recovery.  Pain is an inevitable part of healing.

I'm so grateful for both these doctors.  They were, and have been, very encouraging and supportive.  God knew exactly what I needed and where I needed to be at this time of my life.

I'm looking forward to the day I can say I have less pain...and then finally no pain!  I don't know when that will be, but I am confident I will utter those words at some point.  Until then, I'm committed to this process and keeping my eyes on the prize....my pain-free life!

Day 35: Operation HOPE...Roller Coaster

I really hate roller coasters.

Tightly buckled in.  No where to go but where the ride takes you.  Heart pounding as you slowly climb the steep mountain ahead.  Your breath knocked out of you as you plummet down the other side of the mountain.  Unexpected twists and turns.  Jostled to and fro.  There is not one thing I like about them.  Actually, that's not true.  There is one thing I like about them...when the ride stops and I can get off.

Over the last few days, I have felt like I've been on one of those roller coasters I hate so much.  Buckled in.  No where to go.  Ups and downs.  Heart pounding.  Breath knocked out of me.  So many twists and turns.  Jostled to and fro.  When will this ride stop?  When can I get off?

I've been in a real crummy funk since Friday.  I know.  I know.  I was just in one not too long ago.  I don't know, maybe I never really got out of it.  This entire process coupled with the day-in, day-out pain has gotten to be way to much for me to handle.  I've been snapping at everyone and everything that comes in my path.  My poor husband, children and our puppy!  I've seriously contemplated going to hotel and renting a room until this ugliness passes.

Why am I feeling this way?  Why am I acting this way?  What's my problem?

I spent all of Friday running errands, schooling Sarah, taking care of mundane responsibilities and preparing for a surprise for Sarah's birthday weekend.  I literally didn't stop from 5:45 a.m. until 9:00 p.m.  I pushed myself and literally dragged myself all day through searing pain...from the top of my head all the way down to my feet.  I had a headache all day, and everything else in between was screaming at me with every move I made.  A pain pill and my bed at the end of that day never felt so good.

I got up around 7:30 a.m. on Saturday.  The pain greeted me as soon as I opened my eyes.  Scott and I had planned to go to BJs because we were out of just about everything.  After we got home, I just lost it.  I cannot even remember exactly why I lost it, or what exactly I said {but I'm sure he does, though}.  All I know is that I had a major meltdown, and it wasn't pretty.  After my meltdown, I announced, "I'm going out!"  {Side Note:  This entire display of my uncontrolled temper and emotions has cut me deep.  I'm not happy this happened.  I'm not proud of myself.  It grieves my heart.  I'm so thankful for forgiveness and grace from Jesus, as well as my sweet family.}

After I got in the car, I thought to myself, "What exactly do you think you're going to do and where do you think you're going to go with all this pain you're in?"  This is exactly when I contemplated going to a hotel.  As quickly as that thought came into my mind it went out..."Na, I can't do that."  So, I just drove.  What I realized was that I just needed to drive, clear my head and be by myself.  I did wind up stopping off at a few places that I've wanted to get to but haven't had the chance.

When I got home, I hobbled myself into the house {the pain was unbearable}.  When I got in, I was greeted by my loving and understanding family.  What did I ever do to deserve such love and grace from them?  After I ate something for supper, I decided to go up to my bedroom.  I was hurting so much, I knew I just needed to lay down.  So, I took something for my pain, made myself a cup of tea, brought some of that awesome Enjoy Life dark chocolate with me, along with some hummus and veggies.  I wound up laying in my bed and read my book.  I'm reading Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts".  Rather appropriate for this season of my life, I think.  Then, I caught up on Fixer Upper and Pioneer Woman episodes that I've missed.  I wound up drifting off to sleep around 8:30 p.m. or so.

Today, Sunday, I woke up around 7:30 a.m.  When my feet hit the floor, I realized that all the pain was still with me.  I sighed.  I hobbled down the stairs to the kitchen.  I sat at the kitchen table, and let the warm sun kiss my back.  The warmth of the sun warmed my soul.  I slowly ate my breakfast and sipped my tea.  I then announced to my husband, "I'm going back to bed."  I went back to bed to read my book and rest.  I wound up coming down around 10:30 a.m.  I did some computer work for our home school co-op.  Cooked lunch.  Watched a movie with my son.  Cooked supper.  Worked on this post and a new Facebook page for this blog.

Because of the events of the last three days, I've realized five things about myself:

ONE:
I. Am. Tired.
I'm SO stinkin' tired.
Being tired all the time is brutal.
I get cranky when I'm tired.  REALLY cranky!!

TWO:
I. Am. In. Pain. {No matter how good I look.}
I'm in SO much stinkin' pain all the time.
Being in pain all the time is oppressive.
I get cranky when I'm in pain.  REALLY cranky!!

THREE:
I. Am. Still. Recovering.  {I honestly forgot this.}
My body is not healed yet...not even close.
Because I'm not healed yet, my body is so tired and screaming in pain all the time.
I get cranky when I can't do the things I want to do.  REALLY cranky!!

FOUR:
I. Need. To. Rest.  {Imagine that?!?}
I really need to slow down...even stop...and rest.
Rest is necessary for my healing and recovery.
I'm not as cranky when I get some rest.  Resting is good.

FIVE:
I. Need. To. Do. Things. For. ME.
I really need to make time to do things for myself.
Be still & quiet.  Watch a favorite show or two.  Read.  Eat some good quality dark chocolate.
I'm not as cranky when my soul gets fed by things that bring me joy.  Doing things just for me is good.

Because of the events of the last three days, I realize that I need to change my game plan.  From now on, I need to:

• Pray more, worry less
• Love on my people more
• Rest more, run around less
• Be a little selfish by doing things that feed my soul
• Learn to say "no" to things I really don't need to do &/or can't do
• Give myself grace
• Remember the five things I just listed above
• Give myself grace  {I realize I said that twice.  That's to be sure I heard myself!  I really am so hard on myself.}
• And...learn to BREATHE

One of my favorite songs, "It's Not Over Yet", by For King & Country says,

"Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit

It's not over yet

It's not over ye-et

And even when you think you're finished

It's not over yet

It's not over ye-et

Keep on fighting

Out of the dark

Into the light

It's not over

HOPE is rising

Never give in

Never give up

It's not over"

Lately, I've felt like I've hit my limit.  And, many times I just wanted to be done and finish this craziness.  But, this journey isn't over.  It's no where near over.  As a matter of fact, it's just the opposite...it has just begun.

I will keep on fighting.  I won't give in or give up.  I will believe that God is in all this...the ups...the downs...the twists...the turns.  I believe that He has brought me to this exact point in my life so I can thrive and succeed.  My eyes will stay focused on Him and the prize...the hope that one day this pain will be a distant memory.

"Do you not know?  Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.

HE GIVES STRENGTH TO THE WEARY and INCREASES THE POWER OF THE WEAK.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

BUT THOSE WHO HOPE IN THE LORD WILL RENEW THEIR STRENGTH.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)

{Emphasis added by me!}

Day 32: Operation HOPE...My Encouragement Coat

Early on in this journey, I said that I'm not doing this radical lifestyle change to get "skinny".  That's going to be a bonus in this process. I'm doing this to get healthy and to get out of this oppressive pain that weighs my body down every single day.

As you've all read in my last post, I've been a tad frustrated, discouraged and angry about this journey.  Well, I'm here to tell you that God showed up today in the most tangible way imaginable.  He met me at my coat closet and handed me encouragement that fed my weary, frustrated, discouraged soul.  Take a look...

I haven't been able to wear this coat for YEARS!  I mean like five or better years!  I mean like I couldn't button it AT ALL.  But, today, it was on, fully buttoned up and I even had a little wiggle room!

Every year, I'd try it on, and every year I'd put it right back in the closet.  Who does that?  That's just crazy, don't you think?  Why in the world wouldn't I have gotten rid of it years ago?  I'm sure there's a person out in this big world who could have benefited from this coat rather than it sit in my closet year after year.

You know why I didn't get rid of it?  I'll tell you why...

God knew then that I would need this encouragement RIGHT NOW...TODAY!  He allowed me to hang onto this coat just so He could show up and bless my heart today!!  How awesome is that?!? 

I've affectionately named this coat "My Encouragement Coat".  I will NEVER get rid of this coat no matter how big it gets!

Day 32 is done!  I'm encouraged.

I'm so incredibly blessed.

I'm keeping my eyes are on the prize!  H.O.P.E. {Hold On Pain Ends}!!!

Day 30: Operation HOPE

Wow!  I cannot believe this is Day 30...one month into this program.  I also cannot believe that it's been 19 days since my last post.

No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth.

No, I didn't stop blogging.

No, I didn't quit this journey {although, to be honest, there have been quite a few times in the last 19 days that I contemplated it}.

I just couldn't write.  I was having a really hard time dealing with this hard, mess and my ugly attitude associated with it.  I just couldn't bring myself around to writing about it.  I didn't want to blog because I didn't want to paint the ugly reality I was/am living.  I mean, seriously, who likes to willingly hang all their faults and downfalls out for everyone to see and judge?  Isn't it easier to just keep that mask on of "I'm fine" and "Everything's okay"?  Of course it is.

I had to really take all that under advisement.  My heart's desire is to be transparent and honest through this journey.  If this is how I want to be, then I have to be honest with myself and in my blogging.  So, since it's my desire to be transparent and honest, I'm putting on my brave right now.  Here's what you need to know:

This journey is not fun.
This journey is not comfortable.
This journey hurts...emotionally, mentally and physically.
This journey is H.A.R.D.  So. Stinkin'. Hard.

December 23rd through December 25th was filled with visits from family and friends, church services, Christmas music, gifts, smiles and laughter.  I had my food plan in place, and everything was great!  We really had a nice Christmas.

However, as New Year's Eve slowly approached, things started to change.  I was really getting angry because I had already given up the traditions of Christmas, and now just a short week later, I had to give up our New Year's Eve traditions, too.  And, if that wasn't bad enough, I made the mistake of looking at the next phase of this program.  Wrong move!  100% wrong!  I didn't like what I was reading and seeing.  I was so ticked off.

I got to December 31st, and it was bad...really bad.  I was frustrated and angry at this entire process.  In my anger, I was ready to throw this program out.  I was ready to be done.  Finished.  In this crazy, irrational state, I pulled out the menu to our favorite local Italian restaurant and was so ready to order anything and everything I wanted.  But, every time I went to get the phone, I stopped.  I thought, "No.  I can't do this.  What is this going to prove?  I said I'd do anything to be out of this pain, right?"  I did this probably 3-4 times.  I finally put the menu away, cut up some vegetables and scooped some hummus onto a plate.  Honestly, I literally threw the hummus and vegetables on the plate {I was that mad}.  I wound up falling asleep on the couch.  I never saw the ball drop in Times Square.  I got up after midnight, and stormed off to bed.  Welcome 2017!  *sigh*

I'm frustrated because I'm doing every single thing they've told me to do, and I'm still in SO, SO much pain.  Sometimes I feel like the pain is even worse than a month ago because I literally push myself every day to cook three meals a day, shop at least a few times a week for food items that I need, plus take care of my house, my family, my commitments and obligations, not to mention maintain our kids' home schooling schedules.  Most days I'm up by 5:45 a.m. and don't stop until after 7:30 p.m.  My back, hands, elbows, shoulders, neck, knees and legs are killing me ALL THE TIME.  I've had to take more pain medication during the last week or so than I really want to.  I'm exhausted...literally exhausted.  I thought I'd have more energy than what I have.  I honestly feel no different than I did a month ago.  I'm feel exactly the same except I'm eating much better than I ever have in my life.  This is all so frustrating!  *sigh*

This is exactly why I didn't want to blog over the last 19 days.  There's a whole lot of negative and I absolutely hate the way I sound.  *sigh*

You know, I'm the first one to say to people going through a tough time, "Look for the good.  There is good in every situation, even in the messy, hard stuff.  You just have to look for it."  Okay...so I should really take my own advice, shouldn't I?

So, what's the good in all this?  Where is it?  When I looked for the good, here's what I came up with:

THE GOOD IS:  Receiving wise counsel in the midst of the storm.  As I was sharing my heart and unpacking all this mess to my very dear friend Sarah, my heart was encouraged and challenged through her understanding and counsel.  She said told me that, basically, my anger makes sense; that I'm going through a grieving process.  I'm grieving my old life, my traditions, the way I used to do things and the way things used to be.  That really resonated with me.

Sarah also said that when she was going through a life changing period in her life she experienced the same anger and grief as I've been experiencing.  I really feel bad that she was experiencing these same emotions during a really tough time in her life, but it showed me and reminded me that I'm not crazy or alone.  She said that she had to look at things day by day.  She said she had to ask herself everyday, "Can I be content with just today...in just this moment?".  Sarah challenged me to do the same thing.

When I told her that I looked ahead in the program because "I'm a planner, and I need to know what's going on".  She said, "You know, maybe God is going to show you through all this that you don't need to know everything.  The reality is you don't know everything."  Ouch!  Did she really say that to me?  But, doesn't she know me at all?  Oh, yes she did say it, and oh, yes she does know me...very well!  And, you know what, it's exactly what I needed to hear and she knew it.

And, lastly, when I told her why I didn't blog all this stuff, she said, "You have to blog the crap."  This made me smile, and still does!  She said that even if I wasn't comfortable publishing it at first that I still needed to blog for me.  She said that I need to be able to get the stuff out now, and have it there to look back on to see where I was and what God has brought me through.  Didn't I tell you, WISE COUNSEL!

THE GOOD IS:  Receiving encouragement in the midst of the storm.  As I was telling my friend from co-op, Marcia, how hard this has all been, with a twinkle in her eyes and a warm smile on her face, she sweetly said, "Yeah, this is hard...but you're doing it!  You're. Doing. It!"  Oh, what sweet, unadulterated encouragement.  Like salve to my weary soul.

THE GOOD IS:  Even though there were many times I wanted to quit, I didn't!  I've done everything they've told me to do.  I haven't cheated at all {except for 10 Triscuits on New Year's Eve...but I'm not too sure that really counts as cheating}.

THE GOOD IS:  I'm doing what I said I'd do.  I said I'd do anything to get out of this pain...and that's what I'm doing!

THE GOOD IS:  I have an incredible husband, who deals with my crazy meltdowns, irrational behavior, lousy attitudes, crying outburst and so much more.  His eyes tell me that he's yoked to my pain and all that I'm going through.

THE GOOD IS:  My children are building AMAZING character qualities through all of this.  I cannot believe how much they have grown in the 4+ years since all this started.  Their compassion toward me {and others who are hurting} is absolutely remarkable.  Their obedient, helpful spirits {most of the time} is a huge help and encouragement to me.

THE GOOD IS:  In all the pain...in all the mess...in all the hard...there is HOPE!

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.  

I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."

The Lord is good to those whose HOPE is in Him, to the one who seeks Him;

it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

Lamentations 3:19-26 (NIV)

THE GOOD IS:  His grace is sufficient!

"...there was given me a thorn in the flesh...

I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.

And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'...

I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses...with difficulties, for Christ's sake;

for when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10 (NASB)

THE GOOD IS:  I can do this!

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13 (NASB)

Day 30...one month of this program is DONE!  I have HOPE {Hold On Pain Ends} that this pain will some day be a distant memory.  For once you choose HOPE anything is possible!

Why Did I Start This Blog: My Story

Public Service Announcement:  This post is REALLY LONG!  It's a chronicle of the last 4-1/2 years of my life on this journey of pain and trying to get rid of it.  My prayer is that this is a help to someone out there who may be going through the same or similar situation(s) that I am and have been going through.

On December 5, 2016, I began this journey to health which I affectionately call "Operation HOPE" {Hold On Pain Ends} not because I wanted to, but rather because I HAD TO.  I had to because at this point of my life I had two choice:  Continue in pain; or do what I needed to do to get out of it.  I'm choosing the latter.

The last 4+ years of my life has been filled with a lot pain, a few surgeries, many procedures and an exorbitant amount of frustration.  When you look at me you wouldn't necessarily think that there's anything wrong with me.  However, there is a lot beneath the surface.  I've gotten very good at masking a lot of my emotions, fatigue and pain.  There's been a lot hidden behind my pulled back shoulders and broad smile over the years, and even now.  

I'm finally ready to step out in faith and be more vulnerable and transparent that I have been in the hope that there is some one out there walking the same road I am, and that my experiences can be an encouragement.  So, this blog will serve as a reminder to me of where I've been.  It will also be a memorial to my journey to wellness.  And, I pray, that it will be an encouragement to those who are walking a similar hard road.

Here's my story:

It all started in the summer of 2012, when I started having lower back pain.  This was nothing new to me.  I've had many flair ups with my back stemming from a terrible car accident in 1995.  I did everything I would normally do to get over a flair up...see my chiropractor, ice, stretching, PT, rest.  But this time was different.  By the fall of 2012, my chiropractor said that none of this was helping, and he thought I should see an orthopedic doctor.  So, that's what I did.  My doctor ordered an MRI.  The results were hard to swallow.  I had two very bad discs in my lower back...L4/L5 and L5/S1.  The only solution was surgery.

Surgery was scheduled for May 30, 2013.  I had a double fusion of L4/L5 and L5/S1.  The bad discs were removed; and, at levels L4/L5 and L5/S1 they took off the bone that protrudes off the spine and used them in place of the discs.  I have two cages {where those bones were placed}, four rods and six screws placed at those levels.  I'm a little bionic now!  LOL!

The first month of recovery was hard.  But I remember being so happy to have the hope that the horrible back pain that I was in was going to go away.

By the fall of 2013, I started physical therapy.  Only about a month into the therapy, I was in agonizing pain.  My surgeon thought that it could be inflammation and aggravation from the surgery.  So, he put me on an anti-inflammatory and took me off of physical therapy.  The pain didn't get better; it got worse.

On February 10, 2014, I went for an MRI to determine why I was in so much pain.  The results were "a large fluid collection (probably representing a post operative seroma) is present in the subcutaneous soft tissues posterior to the L2 through L5 posterior bony elements measuring 11.1 CM x 1.8 CM {which is approximately 4 inches x 3/4 inches}."

My response was basically, "What?  Never heard of this.  So, I looked it up.  Here's what a seroma is: "A seroma is an accumulation of fluid in a tissue or organ that can occur after surgery, or sometimes after an injury such as blunt trauma.  The fluid, called serum, leaks out of nearby damaged blood and lymphatic vessels.  Cells are typically present in the fluid, which is normally clear."

Okay...now that I know what it is...what do we do to take care of it?"

My surgeon told me that it could be drained, and that he could do it right in the office with a needle.  Okay...that sounded easy enough.  Let's do it so that I can be out of this pain!

On February 14, 2014, I headed into see my surgeon to get rid of this seroma.  Long story short, all his best efforts to drain it right there in the office didn't work.  The seroma kept moving and he just couldn't get at it.

Okay...so now what?  Yup, you guessed...minor surgery to get to it.  Excellent!

On February 18, 2014, I headed into the hospital to drain this seroma.  My surgeon drained {if I remember correctly} almost a cup of fluid from the seroma.  He said that the capsule was thick and that was probably why he couldn't get through it in the office {as well as it moving around}.  He put some medication/talc in there to insure that it would shrink down, close up, be absorbed into my body and never come back.  Wonderful!  Or so I thought.

After the initial recovery, I felt great through Easter of 2014.  Had a great holiday weekend with my family.  Probably the best I felt from the summer of 2012.  However, the Monday after Easter, I woke up in horrible pain.  I told myself that I did way too much over the weekend and just needed to rest and recoup.  As that week went on, the pain and pressure in my back was all too familiar.  I thought to myself, "If I didn't know better, I would think that seroma is back."  Trying not to be paranoid or feel crazy, I tried to put that thought out of my mind.  But, it just kept coming back.  I called my surgeon and told him what I thought.

On May 1, 2014, I went for another MRI.  The results were staggering.  "There is a posterior fluid collection which could be post-op secondary to a seroma.  This subcutaneous extending from the level of the mid to upper body of L2 to the top of S2.  This measures 117 mm by 29.4 mm {which is 4.6 inches by 1.15 inches}."

When I heard this, I freaked out.  FREAKED. OUT.  I mean, this was JUST drained two months ago...and it was bigger than it was in February 2014.  Okay...what do we do now?

My surgeon suggested that I see a interventional radiologist at the hospital to take care of this.  The interventional radiologist would place a drain in seroma under x-ray so that he's sure he's exactly in the right place.  Once the drain was in place, he would inject medication/talc through the tube in the hope to stop the fluid from collecting, and that the cavity would collapse on itself and basically glue together so then my body could absorb it.

This process took ALL summer of 2014.  I would empty the drain every day and keep track of the fluid output.  In the beginning, it was draining close to 1/4 to 1/2 cup a day.  As the weeks went by, the fluid was less than that but was still draining.  I was told that they were looking for the fluid to be 10 cc to 15 cc consistently before they would pull the drain.  Well, on the fourth visit, when I was still draining a good 20 cc, they decided to pull the drain.  I questioned this because of what the radiologist told me.  He assured me that it was okay.  He placed a final dose of medication/talc through the tube before pulling it, and sent me on my way.

I started feeling a little better.  More sore and achy than anything.  And, then by fall 2014 the all too familiar pain and pressure was back.  So, I asked for another MRI.

On December 22, 2014, I went for the MRI.  The findings were what I expected.  "There is a re-demonstration of subcutaneous collection which is decreased in size when compared to the prior study and now measures 7.6 cm x 2 cm {which is 3 inches by 0.79 inches}.  The wall of the collection is thick, however, is also unchanged."  UNBELIEVABLE!!  At least it was a little smaller than the last MRI {or so I thought}.

Okay...now what?  Draining it wasn't an option...that didn't work.  The only option was to surgically remove it.

On February 23, 2015, my orthopedic surgeon was assisted by a plastic surgeon to surgically remove this seroma.  I was told before the surgery that they wouldn't have to open up my entire scar line from my original surgery.  However, that wasn't the case.  They wound up opening up the entire eight inch scar line because the seroma was HUGE!  When they finally got it out, drained it and laid it out flat it measured six inches by just over three inches! The plastic surgeon's job was the reconstruct the area where the seroma laid in the hope that there wouldn't be space for another seroma to develop there again.  He also placed two drains in my back; one on the right and one on the left; and, one was deeper placed than the other.  This was in the hope to collect any and all fluid that might collect in my back after the surgery.

My recovery was long and hard.  I had the drains in for about 8-10 weeks.  During that time, I continued to have a lot of discomfort and just never felt "better".  Once the drains were removed, the discomfort and pressure seemed a little better.  But that only lasted for a month or so.

I saw my orthopedic doctor in July 2015, and told him if I didn't know better, I would think that seroma is back again.  He sent me for an MRI.

I had that MRI on July 18, 2015.  That MRI showed exactly what I though.  There was "...a posterior subcutaneous soft tissue density likely secondary to a postop fluid collection measuring approximately 4.3 centimeters {1.7 inches} posterior to the L2-L3 extending to the level of L3-L4.  This is smaller comparison to MRI of 12/22/2014."  SERIOUSLY?!?  Of course it's smaller than the one in 12/22/2014 because it's a BRAND. NEW. ONE.!!

I honestly cannot remember from July 2015 until I had another MRI in October 2015, which that the seroma grew a little bit more.  It was, at that point, 2.44 inches by 1.65 inches.  What I do know is that I lived with this pain day in and day out, and refused to have them drain it because I knew that it would just fill up again.  I used pain medicine as needed (which was pretty often), and just hobbled my way through my days.  I do remember saying in October that something had to be done, that I couldn't live in that pain much longer.  My orthopedic surgeon suggested that I have a CT Mylogram to make sure that there wasn't anything further going on.  I would have to wait until after the first of the year due to insurance reasons.

On February 23, 2016, I had the CT scan with contrast.  This was a second CT scan of the year.  I had one in January 2016, but because the seroma was there, the dye couldn't get to where it needed to.  So, this time they drained the seroma that was there so that the dye could get to where it needed to in my back.  I was so hoping that I would feel better from them draining the seroma, and that it would finally reverse itself.  I did get some relief, but it was very short lived.  Probably only a month or two.

By May/June 2016, I was continuing to deal with constant back pain, and pain down my left leg.  I hobbled through the summer, and wound up calling my orthopedic doctor in September 2016 because I felt as though the seroma was back.

His course of treatment suggestion was to refer me to a pain management doctor for epidural injections, stating that everything looked fine from the CT scan and that this could possibly be residual nerve and muscle issues.  I've had epidurals many times before, and they never did anything.  I honestly I wasn't comfortable with what he suggested, but, I went ahead and made the appointment.  After I made the appointment, I just was very unsettled.  Deep in my gut I felt that the seroma was back.  The pain and pressure was all too familiar.  So, I called my surgeon's office back, and demanded an MRI before I saw the pain management doctor.

On October 1, 2016, I went for an MRI.  Not only was the seroma back, but the MRI showed that I have a "new disc protrusion at L3-L4" {which is the level above my fusion}.  Bonus!  And, the seroma is a little BIGGER than the one that was surgically removed in February 2015.  Another bonus!  {Sarcasm definitely intended!}

If all this wasn't enough, beginning some time in 2015, I started experiencing full body pain.  This pain increased during 2016.  My mom has rheumatoid arthritis, so I thought I should go get checked out.  I saw a rheumatologist in November 2016, and after an exam and a lot of bloodwork, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis.

At this point, I'm not willing to try any treatment that I've already done.  No more try this medication and that medication.  No more tests.  No more draining the seroma.  No more "let's wait and see".  I'm done!  At this point, I will do anything to be out of this pain...but it has to be something totally different...something I've never tried before.  I know that the pain in my back is from the chronic, reoccurring seroma.  I fully believe that there is a problem some where in my body, possibly with one of my systems {possibly my lymphatic system} that is causing these seromas to come back time and time again.

This thinking and attitude has brought me to where I am today.  A friend at church shared with me that she was having terrible pain, and went to see a nutritionist.  After I got the diagnoses from the rheumatologist, the fact that my surgeon wanted me to go to pain management and the realization that the seroma was back, I asked her for the information.  It's time to try something totally different.

On December 2, 2016, I went to Natural Healthcare Center in Long Branch, NJ {http://naturalhealthcarecenter.com/).  I met with Dr. Poodian.  I brought him all my medical reports and recent bloodwork.  He spent about an hour with me, asking questions and reviewing all the paperwork I brought him.  He was sympathetic to all I had been going through, and honestly couldn't believe that I had been through so much in four plus years.  He said that he strongly felt that they could help me, but that I needed to understand that it would be a lot of changes and commitment.  I told him that I was ready to do whatever I needed to do to get out of this pain.  For the first time in a long time, I felt like there was hope.  Hope that this pain could and would end some time soon.  The next step was then to see the nutritionist, Dr. Coetzee.

On December 6, 2016, my husband, Scott, and I went to see Dr. Coetzee.  He, too, spent about an hour with us going over my medical records and bloodwork.  He asked a lot of questions and gave us a lot of information.  He felt strongly that he could help me, but told me that it wouldn't happen over night.  He said that all this didn't happen to my body overnight, so this wouldn't be fixed overnight.  He said that I could possibly start feeling a little better 2-3 months into the program, but realistically give him a year.  That was a hard pill to swallow.  Another year?  Seriously?  I had to remind myself that I said I'd do anything to be out of this pain...this was my anything.  So, with that, I said, "okay"...and I jumped into this journey to wellness.

I honestly cannot believe that I've been seeking relief from back pain, and now full body pain, since the summer of 2012.  That is so crazy to me.  This journey has been so long and so hard.  I honestly cannot remember what it feels like to be well and pain free.  That saddens me.  Even though the pain is still ever present, I have hope.  Hope that this pain will one day end.  For after all, it's right there in the word "H.O.P.E."...Hold On Pain Ends!  I'm holding on with all I have, and I'm looking forward to the day when I can say "I have NO pain"!  What a glorious day that will be!!