Day 366: Operation HOPE...What a Difference a Year Makes

I began this wellness journey exactly one year ago today.  December 12, 2016.  I had been living in chronic pain for over four years, stemming from two back surgeries and numerous other medical issues.  I had no idea where this process would lead me.  All I knew was that I had to do something "different" to try and get relief.

I knew it wouldn't be easy, but never imagined just how hard it really would be.  On December 12, 2016, 12 days before Christmas, I jumped into this lifestyle change with both feet.  My eating habits immediately and drastically changed.  Drastically!!  No gluten, no dairy, no sugar, no caffeine, no corn products, no soy.  I could basically only eat foods from the ground up.  No canned products.  No processed food.  No salad dressings...only olive oil and raw apple cider vinegar.  No cooking with olive oil...only coconut oil.  That was a whole lot of "NO", but I hoped this would be my saving grace.

Over the last year, I learned so much about nutrition and supplements; what's good (and not good) for my body.  I learned that healthy food is more than just carrot and celery sticks.  I learned that I do not like tofu, but don't mind fish!  I learned that certain foods, like sugar, dairy and gluten, really do negatively effect my body.  I have learned that, without a doubt, what I put in my body matters not only weight wise, but most of all health wise.

Now, today, one year later, I'm reaping the benefits of my hard work.  I'm the healthiest I've ever been in my entire life.  I am 56 pounds lighter.  I'm off of all synthetic medication.  My blood sugar issue is progressively getting better.

This is a process.  I didn't get to be the girl on the left without years and years of neglect and self-destruction.  And, I certainly didn't get to be the girl on the right without a year of hard work and dedication.  In many ways, I'm better than I was a year ago, but I still have a way to go.  This process has opened my eyes to the person I was, the person I am and the person I am becoming.  As I reflect on this last year, I absolutely see and feel the difference in myself.  Not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually.

With any journey, there are peaks and valleys.  On this journey, I have experienced more valleys than peaks.  It has been in the valleys where I have been the most impacted; where I have learned so much about myself and grown.  A couple of months ago, in anger and frustration, I begged the Lord to just "fix all this" and "make me better".  I knew deep in my heart that He was able and could in a moment heal me.  I couldn't understand why He wasn't hearing and answering me.  As those those thoughts were actively rolling through my mind, I felt as though the Lord said to me, "I AM here.  I do hear you.  I'm choosing not to change your circumstance because I want to change you!"  That was the day I completely surrendered my will to this process and said, "Thy will be done, Lord."  

This journey has been hard and messy.  I've experienced many bumps and bruises.  I've shed more tears than I could ever count.  I've experienced discouragement and anger.  There were so many days I didn't want to continue and just wanted to give up.  Even so, I've had the privilege of seeing God's hand and timing throughout this journey.  I've witnessed first hand His gentleness, patience, faithfulness, love, and mercy toward me.  And, now, I'm watching Him make beauty out of ashes even though there are many coals that are still burning.  

It is only by His grace and through His strength, that I didn't give up and was able to stay the course.  And, with His continued help, on this course I'll remain!!

"But as for me, I will always have HOPE;

I will praise You more and more."

Psalm 71:14

Day 315: Operation HOPE...Unmovable Mountains

It was 18 days ago that I last blogged.

It was 18 days ago that I saw the Lyme's specialist.

It was 18 days ago that I was holding on...clinging to hope for answers.

Only 18 days ago?  Feels like an eternity ago.  *sigh*

I did receive answers from the specialist.  Answers that have left huge question marks.  There's good and bad news. 

The good:  I don't have Lyme's Disease.  I don't have Rheumatoid Arthritis. 

The bad:  I don't have answers as to why my body is in 24/7 chronic pain.  I don't have answers as to why my blood sugars are still out of control no matter what I do.

So, of course, the biggest question is...where do I go from here?

On the advice of my nutritionist, I saw my general practitioner on Wednesday 10/18 to see if we could get the blood sugar issue under control.  He feels that once the sugar numbers are under control the pain should {hopefully} lessen. 

At this appointment, I told my doctor all that had been going on with my sugar numbers and the chronic pain I've been experiencing.  Gave her the entire timeline of the last year.  She agreed to put me on a medication for the sugar, but also wanted to give me a shot of Kenalog {steroid} to try and lessen the pain.  I was very apprehensive about that because I know that steroids can raise blood sugar {which I didn't need}, and steroids are used mainly to treat inflammation {which my blood work from the specialist showed no inflammation in my body}.  When I posed these concerns, she said that the sugar medication should help control my blood sugar, and that "some people" don't show inflammation in their blood work but do indeed have inflammation.  So, even though I was a little apprehensive, I consented and allowed them to give me the shot.

They say hind sight is 20/20, right?  Well, in hind sight, I should have never consented to that shot.  Since the shot on Wednesday {4 days} I have had a horrible headache, stomach issues, blood sugar still high {even though I've been on medication for 4 days}, no strength, no stamina, and unbearable pain.

Moral of this story:  ALWAYS GO WITH YOUR GUT!

*sigh*

I've stayed quiet from blogging for these 18 days because honestly I didn't know how to convey all the emotion, frustration, disappointment, fear and utter sadness I've been experiencing.  I didn't want to face the fact that I'm still living with this chronic pain, despite my best efforts; that I don't have answers, and that I honestly don't know what's next.

I really don't know or understand why God is choosing to leave these mountains unmovable.  I've been asking Him to show me just a glimpse of why.  He has chosen not to, and to leave things basically has they have been for quite some time now. 

So, here I am, sitting in this valley with these unmovable, unchangeable mountains glaring down at me.  I'm tired, frustrated, hurting and sad.  It is here in the valley, as I strain to see the tops of these mountains for just a glimmer of light, God quietly whispers: 

"Wait."

"Be still."

"Be quiet."

"Rest. Regroup. Recover."

And then, these verses came to mind, "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

These verses surprised me.  It was as if I was hearing them for the very first time.  They were fresh.  They were new.  I read them again...and then again...and then again.  My soul was hungry, and I didn't even realize it.  I devoured them, and then let them slowly digest and nourish my soul.  What sweet manna in this dark, deep valley.

In this valley, He met me.  He fed me.  He is here.  He hears me.  He knows.

In this valley, I know He's able and can change these circumstances in a millisecond.

In this valley, He's choosing not to change the circumstances, but rather wants to change me.

In this valley, I wait...still...quiet...resting...regrouping...recovering.

In this valley, I surrender.

In this valley, I hope.

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my HOPE."

Psalm 130:5

Day 297: Operation HOPE...Hold Onto Hope

On October 1st, Ann Voskamp posted this picture and these words:

"...in a big, loud world, Lord -- we hold onto Hope as we look into our week ahead.  Hope for the impossible, hope for the unlikely, hope for the unexpected, hope for the improbable -- because hope is nothing else but the spine of faith.  Hope is our bread, hope is the only way we keep living, hope is what we dance to, believing the music will someday soon begin.  We dream hope again tonight, our rest steadied in the storm -- for Hope in You is the anchor of our soul (Hebrews 6:19)."

The day has finally come to meet with the Lyme's specialist.  I have so many emotions and thoughts running through my heart and mind.  But, one thing that is absolutely certain is that as I go into this appointment I hold onto hope.  Hope is what has driven me here to Day 297 in this wellness journey.  Hope has given me the strength to keep going when I didn't want to go anymore.  Hope is what keeps me moving forward.

Hope...there is so much power in that small word.

Hope...without it we flounder and are lost.

Hope...always cling to it...never lose it.

Hope...Hope...Hope...

Day 285: Operation HOPE...Sprinkles of Hope

Last Tuesday, September 12th, I posted the following on my Facebook page:  "I know...I've been quiet lately. No better & symptoms have worsened in the last 1-2 weeks. Meeting with my nutritionist this morning to dial in where to go from here. Definitely need to meet with a Lyme's specialist...just need to pick the right one...and trust God for the finances to go {they do not take insurance}. Would you please pray with me for the Lord's wisdom, direction, provision of funds and peace in this? I know He's able to do more than I could ever imagine.  I am expectantly waiting. I am hopeful."

I did meet with my nutritionist that day, and there were an array of scenarios we were looking at.  I needed to wait to hear from him to see which way we were going.

It's truly amazing to me how in a little over a week's time I can go from "expectantly waiting" and "hopeful" to "impatiently waiting" and "hopeless".

Yesterday was not a good day at all. As the day went on, things were quickly spinning out of control.  I was getting frustrated with waiting for answers; and, when the answers came I wasn't very happy with them.  My pain was through the roof {and I had been dealing with this type of pain most of the week}.  My stress level was unbearable.  I felt like I was loosing my mind.  Not a good day at all.  Yet, it's in these chaotic, out of control moments that God chooses to sprinkle hope over what seems to be hopeless.

#1:  Ongoing blood sugar issue:  My blood sugars have been running extremely high for quite some time now.  No matter what I do, they're high.  This has me very concerned.  When I saw my nutritionist on the 12th, we talked about me possibly going back on medication {which had me very upset}.  Yesterday, after much research, my nutritionist suggested two natural supplements for me to try.  I started taking them yesterday.  I'm hoping they work in lowering these sugar numbers so I don't have to go back on medication, and can have that issue behind me.  A Sprinkle of Hope.

#2:  Ongoing pain and worsening symptoms:  My nutritionist feels, based on my symptoms and their progression, without a doubt that I have Lyme's.  The issue has been the cost associated with seeing a specialist, getting the testing done and subsequent treatment.  None of these specialists take insurance.  We will have to pay everything out of pocket.  My nutritionist was working hard at trying to find a back door for me to at least get the test so we would know for sure one way or another.  That has proven unsuccessful.  Late yesterday, while talking with my mother during a meltdown {just keeping it real}, at her suggestion, I decided that I need to just bite the bullet, make the appointment with the specialist and trust God to supply the funds for the appointment(s), testing and whatever treatment is necessary.  I called the specialist today, and to my surprise, was able to get an appointment on October 4th!  During that appointment, the doctor will determine what blood work is necessary, and will draw the blood that day.  I should hopefully have results by early November.  A Sprinkle of Hope.

{B-R-E-A-T-E}

My body is so weary and worn.  My soul is downcast and parched.  I feel like a broken, hot mess.

It is here, though, in this weary, worn, downcast, parched, broken, hot mess that God chose to meet me.

I am humbled.

I am in awe.

I am grateful.

I am drenched with Sprinkles of Hope!

Day 246: Operation HOPE...He is Able

I'm in limbo.  

Wait and see mode.  

Again!!

I spent last weekend (from Saturday night 8/5 to Monday night 8/7) in bed with a horrible headache and debilitating full body pain.  All I could do was get up to use the bathroom and eat, and then I was right back in bed.  When I finally came around on Tuesday 8/8, I needed to start calling around to try and find a Lyme's specialist.  After calling 4-5 offices, what I found out was that NONE them take insurance; a first visit will run anywhere from $350 to $550; testing will run $100 to $400; and, every additional visit will be $140 to $200 (not including treatment/medication).

I sat at my kitchen table with tears streaming down my face; feeling very defeated and frustrated.  There is NO way we could afford this.  I took a deep breath, and decided to let Dr. C know what I found out.  He was just as frustrated as me.  He said that he was going to talk to Dr. P (the owner/chiropractor in his office) to see what they can come up with.  

As of today, I'm still waiting to hear what they've come up with.

Limbo.

Wait and see mode.

*sigh*

I've been in this limbo/wait and see position so many times in the last 5 years.  You would think I'd be used to it by now.  But, the truth of the matter is this is not my favorite place to be at all.  It makes me very uneasy and uncomfortable.

You know, I'm really my own worst enemy sometimes.  Okay...most of the time!  I admit, I cause a lot of my own stress.  I like to know what's going on, what I need to do and where I need to go...always!  By nature, I'm a planner...an organizer...a scheduler.  That's who I am.  But, honestly, who I truly am hasn't been working too well for me lately.  I've really been driving myself crazy.

After I contacted Dr. C last Tuesday, through my tears I pleaded with God to take all this from me.  The burden of trying to manage my wellness journey finally got the best of me.  Trying to find a doctor who's a specialist that I can afford.  Dealing with and managing pain 24/7.  Managing my nutrition.  On top of taking care of my family and home.  I was done.  Totally 100% at the end of myself.  

"God take the rest...I'm done!"

BOOM!!  

Just like that a wave of peace immediately came over me, and all that has been running through my mind since that exact moment is "He is Able"!!  

He. Is. Able.

He is able to work all this out for my good.  

He is able to work out all the details so that I can afford a specialist and the testing.

He is able to show us a different path, a better path.  

He is able to make beauty out of these ashes.  

He is able to heal me.  

He. Is. Able.

Three songs have been rolling through my head today.  The first one is "Even If" by Mercy Me, the second one is "I Have This Hope" by Tenth Avenue North and the third one is "I Won't Let You Go" by Switchfoot.

Even If's chorus goes like this:

"I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone"

I Have This Hope's chorus goes like this:

"I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go"

And, I Won't Let You Go's chorus goes like this:

"If you could let the pain of the past go

Of your soul

None of this is in your control

If you could only let your guard down

If you could learn to trust me somehow

Well I swear, that I won't let you go

If you could only let go your doubts

If you could just believe in me now

I swear, that I won't let you go

I won’t let you go"

These songs have blessed my heart today and reminded me that my hope lies in Jesus alone.  I came to the realization today that I've been focusing on the hope that the pain would end, and honestly that's what was consuming my thoughts and prayers.  I was so blinded by my circumstances, how I'm feeling and what was going on around me that I forgot what the truth is.  The truth is my hope is in Jesus alone.

This realization today has not changed my circumstances at all.  Like most days, I'm hurting and hobbling around; trying to do my best do what I need to do for myself and my family.  But, what has changed is my focus.  My heart is lighter.  My head is clearer.  My lungs can breathe again.  My soul has a peace.

I have this hope.  

He is with me.  

He won't let me go.  

He is able to do more than I could ever think of imagine.

He. Is. Able.

Day 233: Operation HOPE...Jesus Take The Wheel

I'm still here!  I know, I know.  It's been a month since my last post.  I don't think I've ever gone that long.  This last month has been T.O.U.G.H.  Road block after road block after road block.  This month has been full of stress, high blood sugars, breakdowns, pain, fatigue, brain fog, tears {lots}, and more stress.  I am not myself AT ALL.  Just ask my family.  It's not been pretty.  Most of my days I'm on auto pilot to just get done what I have to.

Dr. C has been working with the team of doctors, as well as a general practitioner who now works with Dr. C's office {Dr. W}, to try and figure out the best course of action for my case.  All doctors are dumbfounded as to why my sugars are still high.  They think a lot of it has to do with stress {which I have been under a ton of lately}, but are also concerned that I may have Lyme's that no one has caught.  Lyme's, as many of you know, can cause an array of medical issues and symptoms, including all the ones I have. 

Dr. C called me last Thursday (7/27) to tell me that Dr. W suggested I see specialist in Tinton Falls who specializes in Lyme's, Fibro, Chronic Fatigue, etc.  He said he felt this might be the missing piece in my case, and that this doctor could really help get to the bottom of things.  He wanted me to call and make an appointment ASAP.  I was so hopeful.  So, I called immediately to set up an appointment.  

I was told by her receptionist that I couldn't get in until October, the doctor doesn't take insurance, the first visit is $550, and every other appointment is $200 with a non-refundable $150 deposit placed at the time the next appointment is made.  Seriously...can't make this stuff up.  I went from hopeful to what the heck am I going to do in a matter of literally 3 minutes!  I texted Dr. C immediately and told him all that I had just found out.  He said he would reach out to her personally.  I honestly don't know what's going to happen now.

After almost a week of trying, Dr. C couldn't get a hold of this doctor to see if she would work with us.  He tried.  He told me today that he didn't even talk to her...she must be that busy not to talk to a fellow doctor.  All the information he received {which wasn't much} was from her staff.

I saw Dr. C for my monthly appointment today.  He told me that without a doubt he absolutely thinks I have Lyme's.  Despite our best efforts nutritionally, I am not getting better.  I'm still in pain from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, from one degree or another, 24/7!  Dr. C said that all my symptoms are Lyme's symptoms.  It needs to get diagnosed so that it can be treated.  He won't be able to treat me for Lyme's because that's not his specialty, a medical doctor would need to do that.  He said he would continue working with me on the nutrition end, but that I would need a medical doctor to diagnose and treat the Lyme's, and he recommends that I also work with an herbalist to help keep my body safe during treatment.  He said that Lyme's treatment is rough and could take up to a year {Another year!!!}

This is my "Jesus Take The Wheel" moment after hearing all this.  Literally.  I'm sitting here with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes as I type this.  "Lord, You have to take care of this.  I can't do this any more."

I'm so tired....physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  I've been doing this chronic pain {from one degree to another} now for over five years of my life.  Five years of trying this and trying that; waiting and seeing.  Five. Years.  I'm tired.

I saw a quote last week.  It read, "God has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggles and a reward for your faithfulness.  Don't give up!"

I know He has a purpose, if I didn't know that I couldn't have endured this far.  The struggles are VERY real, and, although I can't see the reason, I have to believe there's a reason.  And, I'm so looking forward to the reward of H.O.P.E. {Hold On Pain Ends}!

Day 198: Operation HOPE...I'm Still Here

It's been two weeks since my last post, and quite honestly that has felt like an eternity ago.  It's been a rough month for me.  But, I'm still here...still enduring...still fighting...still working at this.

I met with Dr. C today.  I'm down another 8 pounds for a total of 43 pounds.  I'm losing fat; gaining and maintaining muscle mass.  All of that is so awesome, but up until today I've still been battling my body...pain, fatigue, brain fog, headaches.

I had blood work done on June 19, 2017.  We found out that my Hemoglobin A1c went back up almost two full points, and my triglycerides went up almost 50 points.  This has had both me and Dr. C dumbfounded.  This should not be with the way that I've been eating, detoxing and fasting (at times).  He presented my case to a team of seven other doctors a couple of weeks ago, and they too have been perplexed at why my numbers are going up and why I'm still in so much pain.

I realized a day or so ago that over the last three months I've been eating a lot more fruit in the form of smoothies, and have been turning to Lara bars for snacks way too often.  WAY TOO MUCH SUGAR in all those things.  Even though it's all natural sugar, it's still way too much for my body to process and handle.  Thus, the rise in Hemoglobin A1c.

I asked Dr. C today why my triglycerides are so high, again based on the way I've been eating (which is clean...clean...clean).  He thinks my triglycerides are up because my body is trying so hard to fix itself.  He said that triglycerides rise where there is a lot of inflammation, and the body tries to heal that.  He feels that once we get this blood sugar issue back in order everything else should follow and level out.

Dr. C and the group of doctors think another reason that I'm experiencing this continued pain is because I do not have a gallbladder.  This could be causing a major issue in my body.  I'm not entirely sure where they're going with this yet.  They're still reviewing my case and trying to come up with what's best for me to do at this point.  Until they know how to proceed, because I don't have a gall bladder, I have to watch my fat intake.  Dr. C said today, "lower fat, not no fat".  He suggested one serving or so a day.

I will need to detox more in the future, but not at all in the way that I have in the past.  All doctors are all in agreement that those detoxes were too aggressive for me.  There is actually a doctor in this group who is an expert in detoxification, and she's actively working on a plan for me.  Detox will not happen until the blood sugar issue is back under control.  Dr. C said that he's thinking I probably won't detox again for at least another two months or so.

I will continue to fast intermittently (8 hours during the day, three times a week).  I've been doing this after breakfast, which has been working well for me.  Dr. C told me that fasting overnight isn't as beneficial for healing as it is doing it during the day.

With just a couple of days of cutting back fruit and Lara bars, my numbers have turned around.  We see that with the daily blood sugar checks.  Dr. C is convinced that the blood sugar and lack of gallbladder is what is causing so many of my symptoms (coupled with fibromyalgia).  He is also convinced that all of this is reversible, and we will get to the finish line of reduced or no pain.

All the doctors will meet again on Thursday (6/29) to continue working on a game plan for my continued journey.  I'm anxious so see what they come up with.

The plan for me right now is to get my blood sugar back under control by eating as low glycemic as possible, keep my protein intake up, eat as much leafy greens as I like, and fast for 8 hours a day three times a week.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I haven't come this far to quit.  Although, if I'm being 100% honest, the thought has crossed my mind many, many times over this last month or so.  This journey is long, hard and exhausting, but I continue to walk it because I see the benefit of this process and going back to where I was 43 pounds ago is not an option in my mind or heart.  I have unfaltering faith and hope that, by the grace of God, I will one day get to a place were I have no more pain!  Oh what a glorious day that will be!!

H.O.P.E. = Hold On Pain Ends