I'm in limbo.
Wait and see mode.
Again!!
I spent last weekend (from Saturday night 8/5 to Monday night 8/7) in bed with a horrible headache and debilitating full body pain. All I could do was get up to use the bathroom and eat, and then I was right back in bed. When I finally came around on Tuesday 8/8, I needed to start calling around to try and find a Lyme's specialist. After calling 4-5 offices, what I found out was that NONE them take insurance; a first visit will run anywhere from $350 to $550; testing will run $100 to $400; and, every additional visit will be $140 to $200 (not including treatment/medication).
I sat at my kitchen table with tears streaming down my face; feeling very defeated and frustrated. There is NO way we could afford this. I took a deep breath, and decided to let Dr. C know what I found out. He was just as frustrated as me. He said that he was going to talk to Dr. P (the owner/chiropractor in his office) to see what they can come up with.
As of today, I'm still waiting to hear what they've come up with.
Limbo.
Wait and see mode.
*sigh*
I've been in this limbo/wait and see position so many times in the last 5 years. You would think I'd be used to it by now. But, the truth of the matter is this is not my favorite place to be at all. It makes me very uneasy and uncomfortable.
You know, I'm really my own worst enemy sometimes. Okay...most of the time! I admit, I cause a lot of my own stress. I like to know what's going on, what I need to do and where I need to go...always! By nature, I'm a planner...an organizer...a scheduler. That's who I am. But, honestly, who I truly am hasn't been working too well for me lately. I've really been driving myself crazy.
After I contacted Dr. C last Tuesday, through my tears I pleaded with God to take all this from me. The burden of trying to manage my wellness journey finally got the best of me. Trying to find a doctor who's a specialist that I can afford. Dealing with and managing pain 24/7. Managing my nutrition. On top of taking care of my family and home. I was done. Totally 100% at the end of myself.
"God take the rest...I'm done!"
BOOM!!
Just like that a wave of peace immediately came over me, and all that has been running through my mind since that exact moment is "He is Able"!!
He. Is. Able.
He is able to work all this out for my good.
He is able to work out all the details so that I can afford a specialist and the testing.
He is able to show us a different path, a better path.
He is able to make beauty out of these ashes.
He is able to heal me.
He. Is. Able.
Three songs have been rolling through my head today. The first one is "Even If" by Mercy Me, the second one is "I Have This Hope" by Tenth Avenue North and the third one is "I Won't Let You Go" by Switchfoot.
Even If's chorus goes like this:
"I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone"
I Have This Hope's chorus goes like this:
"I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go"
And, I Won't Let You Go's chorus goes like this:
"If you could let the pain of the past go
Of your soul
None of this is in your control
If you could only let your guard down
If you could learn to trust me somehow
Well I swear, that I won't let you go
If you could only let go your doubts
If you could just believe in me now
I swear, that I won't let you go
I won’t let you go"
These songs have blessed my heart today and reminded me that my hope lies in Jesus alone. I came to the realization today that I've been focusing on the hope that the pain would end, and honestly that's what was consuming my thoughts and prayers. I was so blinded by my circumstances, how I'm feeling and what was going on around me that I forgot what the truth is. The truth is my hope is in Jesus alone.
This realization today has not changed my circumstances at all. Like most days, I'm hurting and hobbling around; trying to do my best do what I need to do for myself and my family. But, what has changed is my focus. My heart is lighter. My head is clearer. My lungs can breathe again. My soul has a peace.
I have this hope.
He is with me.
He won't let me go.
He is able to do more than I could ever think of imagine.
He. Is. Able.
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