Day 74: Operation HOPE...Supplement is In!

I got word late yesterday that the new supplement Dr. C. wants me to try is in.  This supplement is stronger than the one I've been taking for pain and inflammation.  I need to go to his office in Long Branch later this morning to pick it up.

I'm supposed to stop the supplement that I've been taking, and take this new one twice a day for a week.  After the week, I need to evaluate how I'm feeling and then email him to see how to proceed from there.

I found out last night that this one is a powder; so no stresses about having to swallow a pill {'cause you know I was after the fiasco with the last supplement}.  I just hope it tastes better than the blueberry sludge detox shake!

Would you please pray with me that this will be exactly what my body needs; that it will bring some (or even a lot) of relief to this oppressive pain and brain fog I've been experiencing?  Would you also pray that I would be patient in the wait, and that the Lord would fill me with strength and peace as I wait?

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for holding me up and walking beside me on this hard journey.

Day 73: Operation HOPE...Doctor's Report Updated

I wanted to get this post out yesterday, but I just couldn't get it together.  I so wish I could start this blog post by saying "Wow!  I feel so much better!"  Unfortunately, that isn't the case.  It's really been a rough 2+ weeks.  Between battling this oppressive pain and brain fog, and then finding out that I've lost two people in the last 5 days to cancer...my dear Aunt Suellen {she's one of my most favorite people on the planet; whom I deeply love and respect...I'm heartbroken}; and, my friend from high school, Diane.  Right at this moment...I'm so sad...hurting...weary...worn...tired.

*sigh*

So, last Monday (2/13) I saw my nutritionist, Dr. C.  He felt that this pain and brain fog is because of the aggressive detox he had me on.  He had me stop the detox shake and start a natural pain blocker/anti-inflammatory called "Kaprex".  I was supposed to do that for a week and contact them Monday (2/20).

The pain and brain fog was so bad last week that by Friday (2/17) I emailed them to let them know that I didn't feel better at all.  I heard from Dr. C. Monday (2/20) morning, and he said that he still feels that this is my body adjusting to all that is going on, and because of the incredible amount of inflammation in my body.  He's going to have me do a stronger natural supplement for pain and inflammation.  He had to order this supplement, so I'm still waiting to hear back from him as to when I can go pick it up.  Hopefully that will be today or tomorrow.

Dr. C. reiterated many times that, even though it doesn't seem like it or feel like it, my body is healing.  He reminded me that healing hurts, I didn't get this way overnight, hang in there and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Dr. C. then asked me what I would normally do for the pain.  I told him that I would take a Percocet.  He asked when the last time I took it was.  I told him the 10th or 11th.  He said, "Please take the Percocet...for now.  You don't need to be living in this pain until we can get you over this stage."

I'm in a ton of pain.  Waiting for answers.  Waiting for relief.  This has been the cycle for almost five years now.  *tears*

Lord, can I get off this merry-go-round?  Would You stop this cycle and bring sweet relief?  Would You heal my weary, broken body and refresh my soul?  Would You open my eyes, heart and mind to what You're trying to teach me through all this?  Would You strengthen me and bless me with peace as I endure and wait?  May it be as I requested according to Your perfect plan and will for my life.  Amen.

Day 65: Operation HOPE...Doctor's Report & Another Rough Day

I had my two-month follow up appointment with both my nutritionist yesterday.

The appointment went well.  They have this fancy scale that measures weight, fat mass and muscle mass...which is pretty cool.  I'm down a total of 20 pounds; 90% of that is fat loss; and I've gained more muscle mass.

My entire appointment was focused on this tremendous amount of pain and brain fog that I've been experiencing for the last week or so.  He thinks it's because my body isn't taking well to the aggressive detox he's had me on this last month.  He said that some people are really sensitive to detoxing, and that this may be too much for my body to handle all at once.  Detox is an inevitable process for me to get better...but the speed of it {for me} might need to be turned down a little bit.

So, what I'm to do is stop the detox shakes for this week, and my doctor prescribed a natural pain blocker/anti-inflammatory called "Kaprex".  He wants me to take the Kaprex three times a day {with meals}, and not do the detox shakes this week.  I need to evaluate how I'm feeling by next Monday 2/20, and then email him to let him know how I'm doing.  If I'm feeling somewhat better, he'll probably have me continue with the Kaprex, and only do the detox shakes 2-4 times a week (instead of 7 times a week).

So, that was all good...that is until I got home...

When I got home and opened up the Kaprex, I quickly noticed that they smelled horrible and they were the size of horse pills!  {Side Note: I have A LOT of trouble swallowing huge pills.  A LOT.}  This immediately put me in a panic attack.  I took a breath, and decided to call his office {thankfully it was only 4pm at that point}.  I left a message for him and/or his assistant.  

I got a call back within 20 minutes or so.  They said that I could cut it up and put it in my food.  I was not happy about this because remember I said they smelled horrible?  What was this going to do to the taste of my food?  More panic set in.  Tears flowed.  But, I then reminded myself that I would do anything to be out of this pain so I needed to do what I needed to do.

I proceeded to cut it open with a steak knife {more like saw it open}...and the stuff that was in it almost resembled tar.  Yes...TAR.  Thick, smelly, TAR.  I literally had to milk it out of the capsule {that's how thick it was}.  I decided I would put it in applesauce, since that's the way I swallow crushed pills I can't swallow.  I took it and thought I would die.  It was HORRIBLE.  It created a film on my teeth and tongue; the smell made its way to my sinuses.  It was HORRIBLE.  I spent the next 5 minutes in the bathroom dry heaving.  Thankfully, I kept the tar down.  Can't make this stuff up!!

After all that chaos, I had a good sob and some words with God.  I ate my supper...and put myself to bed.

I woke up this morning around 4:30a.  Talked to God some more...cried some more.  Finally got out of bed by 5:45a.  As I was making breakfast, I decided that I would try to swallow the pill while Scott was still home {just in case I couldn't get it down..he's literally had to do the Heimlich on me a few times...that's how bad this is and why I'm so panicked}.  He thought it would be a good idea to try it.  So, I did and it went down with little trouble...Praise God!  I was so relieved; I was crying hysterically because the stress that built up from yesterday {and actually all week with this pain} carried over to this morning, and the fact that I could get it down just made me cry.

I'm in a funk.  I'm just so tired of all this.  I don't feel like doing anything but going back to bed or curling up on the couch.  But, unfortunately, my life doesn't allow me to do that.  I have errands to run...kids to school...meals to make...etc.  Through all this, I've tried to stay positive and focus on the good...but, over the last week or so, all of this has really gotten to be too much for me.  I know that God is faithful...and that He has a plan and a purpose...and will give me the strength to keep going.  He's proven that time and time again.  Right now, though, I only know that in my head...I'm having a hard time translating that to my heart.

Now that I know that I can swallow the supplement, the hope that I'm hanging onto this week is that all this pain will start to subside, the brain fog will lift and I'll be in a better frame of mind and body real soon.

From my lips and heart to God's ears.  May it be.

Day 63: Operation HOPE...Warning!!

WARNING:  This blog post is not going to be pretty.  Just sayin'.

I like everything to always look so "nice" and "good".  Well, things aren't "nice" and "good" today...and actually haven't been for the last 2-3 days.  Last month, my very wise friend, Sarah, told me that I "need to blog the crap".  So, that's what I'm doing.

I knew last weekend that this was coming.  It started with the normal muscle, joint and back pain mixed with fatigue.  That's nothing really new.  But, as the week went on, the "brain fog" started to set in; then came the stabbing pain in my neck, shoulders and spinal column; followed by horrible pain in my hands, elbows, knees and feet.  It has been a tremendous effort for me to do anything lately.  I'm out of steam.  I. Just. Can't. Go. Anymore.

I started this radical journey to get healthy and out of this pain.  Days like these make me want to just throw my hands in the air and say, "I'm done.  I don't want to do this anymore."  But, I know that's not the answer.  

I know I may sound like I'm discouraged, but actually I'm not.  I'm not discouraged because I have seen positive changes happening to my body...just none of them are a reduction in pain yet.  I'm not discouraged because HOPE is what is driving me.  Hope that this journey will one day have a pain-free ending.  Hope that God is 100% in this and has my best interest in mind.  Hope that all my efforts are not for naught.

What I am is FRUSTRATED!

I looked up the word "frustrated", and here's what the very first meaning said, "feeling of expressing distress and annoyance, especially because of the inability to change or achieve something."

Yes...yes...and yes!  This definition could have my face pasted next to it.  This is exactly how I feel.

I'm annoyed that I'm doing every single thing this program requires of me, and that I'm not feeling one ounce of pain relief.

I'm annoyed that I am still having to put my brave on and endure this oppressive pain day in and day out.

I'm annoyed that even though I "look good" my body is constantly screaming in pain.

I'm annoyed that I still cannot do what I want to do {or even what I need to do...like really clean my house}.

I'm annoyed that I'm annoyed!!

*sigh*

I'm tired...so very tired!

I'm weary...so very weary!

I'm sad today...so very sad!

Jesus, take the wheel...please!!

*sigh*

Day 60: Operation HOPE...Sweet 60!

Sweet 60!!

Today is Day 60...two full months on this journey toward a pain-free life!!  I can't believe it!  At times it seems like it was forever ago that I started, and at other times it feels like I just started yesterday.  Crazy!

When I started this journey back in December, the thought of making it to Day 60 never crossed my mind.  Back then, the thoughts that filled my mind were ones of uncertainty, panic and anxiety.  I learned quickly that if I wanted to be successful at this, I would need to change that type of thinking.

Here's what I've been learning over the last 60 days:

*I need to focus on just the day at hand.  And, honestly, most times on just the moment at hand.

*That this is a race...not a sprint. A step-by-step, moment-by-moment journey toward my goal...a pain-free life!

*I need to take a more macro, up close focus on this journey, rather than a panoramic view.  I don't need to see the entire picture to know #1 that God is in this, and #2 that I'm on the right track.  What I need to do is trust God because He sees the entire picture, and know that it's really okay {and good} that I don't.

*I need to preach good, encouraging, truthful things to myself daily.  Most days that's happening from sun up to sun down.  Do you realize how much we do {or don't do} is affected by how we talk to ourselves?  I had an "Ah-Ha" moment when I realized that truth.  No. Stinkin'. Thinkin'!

*I need to better balance my time between my family, home schooling, obligations and my new lifestyle of cooking 3 meals a day, every day.  This one is hard for me.  I still feel like there just is not enough time in the day to do everything.  

*That I'm not healed yet {no matter how much I want to be}.  Healing is a process...it takes time.  My body is going through a major detox...which hurts.  And, my body has many medical issues such as Rheumatoid arthritis, Fibromyalgia and a chronic seroma in my back...which hurt.

*That God's timing is not my timing.  

These things that I'm learning are all great, awesome things.  But, they aren't ingrained in me naturally.  What is ingrained in me is to always look ahead...plan...know what's going on around the next corner.  What's ingrained in me is to over analyze...over think...over worry.  What's ingrained in me is to second guess myself and talk myself out of things. What I've, basically, had to do is work against what's naturally ingrained in me, and let God begin to refine and restore me.  

"Let go and let God"

So much is changing.  Change is good.  It's not been easy, but I can tell you, I'm beginning to see the fruit of my labor and it's exciting...it's good!

Thank you God for the last 60 days!  You are so good to me!  I'm truly excited to see what the next 60 days bring!!