Day 63: Operation HOPE...Warning!!

WARNING:  This blog post is not going to be pretty.  Just sayin'.

I like everything to always look so "nice" and "good".  Well, things aren't "nice" and "good" today...and actually haven't been for the last 2-3 days.  Last month, my very wise friend, Sarah, told me that I "need to blog the crap".  So, that's what I'm doing.

I knew last weekend that this was coming.  It started with the normal muscle, joint and back pain mixed with fatigue.  That's nothing really new.  But, as the week went on, the "brain fog" started to set in; then came the stabbing pain in my neck, shoulders and spinal column; followed by horrible pain in my hands, elbows, knees and feet.  It has been a tremendous effort for me to do anything lately.  I'm out of steam.  I. Just. Can't. Go. Anymore.

I started this radical journey to get healthy and out of this pain.  Days like these make me want to just throw my hands in the air and say, "I'm done.  I don't want to do this anymore."  But, I know that's not the answer.  

I know I may sound like I'm discouraged, but actually I'm not.  I'm not discouraged because I have seen positive changes happening to my body...just none of them are a reduction in pain yet.  I'm not discouraged because HOPE is what is driving me.  Hope that this journey will one day have a pain-free ending.  Hope that God is 100% in this and has my best interest in mind.  Hope that all my efforts are not for naught.

What I am is FRUSTRATED!

I looked up the word "frustrated", and here's what the very first meaning said, "feeling of expressing distress and annoyance, especially because of the inability to change or achieve something."

Yes...yes...and yes!  This definition could have my face pasted next to it.  This is exactly how I feel.

I'm annoyed that I'm doing every single thing this program requires of me, and that I'm not feeling one ounce of pain relief.

I'm annoyed that I am still having to put my brave on and endure this oppressive pain day in and day out.

I'm annoyed that even though I "look good" my body is constantly screaming in pain.

I'm annoyed that I still cannot do what I want to do {or even what I need to do...like really clean my house}.

I'm annoyed that I'm annoyed!!

*sigh*

I'm tired...so very tired!

I'm weary...so very weary!

I'm sad today...so very sad!

Jesus, take the wheel...please!!

*sigh*