Day 30: Operation HOPE

Wow!  I cannot believe this is Day 30...one month into this program.  I also cannot believe that it's been 19 days since my last post.

No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth.

No, I didn't stop blogging.

No, I didn't quit this journey {although, to be honest, there have been quite a few times in the last 19 days that I contemplated it}.

I just couldn't write.  I was having a really hard time dealing with this hard, mess and my ugly attitude associated with it.  I just couldn't bring myself around to writing about it.  I didn't want to blog because I didn't want to paint the ugly reality I was/am living.  I mean, seriously, who likes to willingly hang all their faults and downfalls out for everyone to see and judge?  Isn't it easier to just keep that mask on of "I'm fine" and "Everything's okay"?  Of course it is.

I had to really take all that under advisement.  My heart's desire is to be transparent and honest through this journey.  If this is how I want to be, then I have to be honest with myself and in my blogging.  So, since it's my desire to be transparent and honest, I'm putting on my brave right now.  Here's what you need to know:

This journey is not fun.
This journey is not comfortable.
This journey hurts...emotionally, mentally and physically.
This journey is H.A.R.D.  So. Stinkin'. Hard.

December 23rd through December 25th was filled with visits from family and friends, church services, Christmas music, gifts, smiles and laughter.  I had my food plan in place, and everything was great!  We really had a nice Christmas.

However, as New Year's Eve slowly approached, things started to change.  I was really getting angry because I had already given up the traditions of Christmas, and now just a short week later, I had to give up our New Year's Eve traditions, too.  And, if that wasn't bad enough, I made the mistake of looking at the next phase of this program.  Wrong move!  100% wrong!  I didn't like what I was reading and seeing.  I was so ticked off.

I got to December 31st, and it was bad...really bad.  I was frustrated and angry at this entire process.  In my anger, I was ready to throw this program out.  I was ready to be done.  Finished.  In this crazy, irrational state, I pulled out the menu to our favorite local Italian restaurant and was so ready to order anything and everything I wanted.  But, every time I went to get the phone, I stopped.  I thought, "No.  I can't do this.  What is this going to prove?  I said I'd do anything to be out of this pain, right?"  I did this probably 3-4 times.  I finally put the menu away, cut up some vegetables and scooped some hummus onto a plate.  Honestly, I literally threw the hummus and vegetables on the plate {I was that mad}.  I wound up falling asleep on the couch.  I never saw the ball drop in Times Square.  I got up after midnight, and stormed off to bed.  Welcome 2017!  *sigh*

I'm frustrated because I'm doing every single thing they've told me to do, and I'm still in SO, SO much pain.  Sometimes I feel like the pain is even worse than a month ago because I literally push myself every day to cook three meals a day, shop at least a few times a week for food items that I need, plus take care of my house, my family, my commitments and obligations, not to mention maintain our kids' home schooling schedules.  Most days I'm up by 5:45 a.m. and don't stop until after 7:30 p.m.  My back, hands, elbows, shoulders, neck, knees and legs are killing me ALL THE TIME.  I've had to take more pain medication during the last week or so than I really want to.  I'm exhausted...literally exhausted.  I thought I'd have more energy than what I have.  I honestly feel no different than I did a month ago.  I'm feel exactly the same except I'm eating much better than I ever have in my life.  This is all so frustrating!  *sigh*

This is exactly why I didn't want to blog over the last 19 days.  There's a whole lot of negative and I absolutely hate the way I sound.  *sigh*

You know, I'm the first one to say to people going through a tough time, "Look for the good.  There is good in every situation, even in the messy, hard stuff.  You just have to look for it."  Okay...so I should really take my own advice, shouldn't I?

So, what's the good in all this?  Where is it?  When I looked for the good, here's what I came up with:

THE GOOD IS:  Receiving wise counsel in the midst of the storm.  As I was sharing my heart and unpacking all this mess to my very dear friend Sarah, my heart was encouraged and challenged through her understanding and counsel.  She said told me that, basically, my anger makes sense; that I'm going through a grieving process.  I'm grieving my old life, my traditions, the way I used to do things and the way things used to be.  That really resonated with me.

Sarah also said that when she was going through a life changing period in her life she experienced the same anger and grief as I've been experiencing.  I really feel bad that she was experiencing these same emotions during a really tough time in her life, but it showed me and reminded me that I'm not crazy or alone.  She said that she had to look at things day by day.  She said she had to ask herself everyday, "Can I be content with just today...in just this moment?".  Sarah challenged me to do the same thing.

When I told her that I looked ahead in the program because "I'm a planner, and I need to know what's going on".  She said, "You know, maybe God is going to show you through all this that you don't need to know everything.  The reality is you don't know everything."  Ouch!  Did she really say that to me?  But, doesn't she know me at all?  Oh, yes she did say it, and oh, yes she does know me...very well!  And, you know what, it's exactly what I needed to hear and she knew it.

And, lastly, when I told her why I didn't blog all this stuff, she said, "You have to blog the crap."  This made me smile, and still does!  She said that even if I wasn't comfortable publishing it at first that I still needed to blog for me.  She said that I need to be able to get the stuff out now, and have it there to look back on to see where I was and what God has brought me through.  Didn't I tell you, WISE COUNSEL!

THE GOOD IS:  Receiving encouragement in the midst of the storm.  As I was telling my friend from co-op, Marcia, how hard this has all been, with a twinkle in her eyes and a warm smile on her face, she sweetly said, "Yeah, this is hard...but you're doing it!  You're. Doing. It!"  Oh, what sweet, unadulterated encouragement.  Like salve to my weary soul.

THE GOOD IS:  Even though there were many times I wanted to quit, I didn't!  I've done everything they've told me to do.  I haven't cheated at all {except for 10 Triscuits on New Year's Eve...but I'm not too sure that really counts as cheating}.

THE GOOD IS:  I'm doing what I said I'd do.  I said I'd do anything to get out of this pain...and that's what I'm doing!

THE GOOD IS:  I have an incredible husband, who deals with my crazy meltdowns, irrational behavior, lousy attitudes, crying outburst and so much more.  His eyes tell me that he's yoked to my pain and all that I'm going through.

THE GOOD IS:  My children are building AMAZING character qualities through all of this.  I cannot believe how much they have grown in the 4+ years since all this started.  Their compassion toward me {and others who are hurting} is absolutely remarkable.  Their obedient, helpful spirits {most of the time} is a huge help and encouragement to me.

THE GOOD IS:  In all the pain...in all the mess...in all the hard...there is HOPE!

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.  

I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."

The Lord is good to those whose HOPE is in Him, to the one who seeks Him;

it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

Lamentations 3:19-26 (NIV)

THE GOOD IS:  His grace is sufficient!

"...there was given me a thorn in the flesh...

I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.

And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'...

I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses...with difficulties, for Christ's sake;

for when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10 (NASB)

THE GOOD IS:  I can do this!

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13 (NASB)

Day 30...one month of this program is DONE!  I have HOPE {Hold On Pain Ends} that this pain will some day be a distant memory.  For once you choose HOPE anything is possible!