Day 35: Operation HOPE...Roller Coaster

I really hate roller coasters.

Tightly buckled in.  No where to go but where the ride takes you.  Heart pounding as you slowly climb the steep mountain ahead.  Your breath knocked out of you as you plummet down the other side of the mountain.  Unexpected twists and turns.  Jostled to and fro.  There is not one thing I like about them.  Actually, that's not true.  There is one thing I like about them...when the ride stops and I can get off.

Over the last few days, I have felt like I've been on one of those roller coasters I hate so much.  Buckled in.  No where to go.  Ups and downs.  Heart pounding.  Breath knocked out of me.  So many twists and turns.  Jostled to and fro.  When will this ride stop?  When can I get off?

I've been in a real crummy funk since Friday.  I know.  I know.  I was just in one not too long ago.  I don't know, maybe I never really got out of it.  This entire process coupled with the day-in, day-out pain has gotten to be way to much for me to handle.  I've been snapping at everyone and everything that comes in my path.  My poor husband, children and our puppy!  I've seriously contemplated going to hotel and renting a room until this ugliness passes.

Why am I feeling this way?  Why am I acting this way?  What's my problem?

I spent all of Friday running errands, schooling Sarah, taking care of mundane responsibilities and preparing for a surprise for Sarah's birthday weekend.  I literally didn't stop from 5:45 a.m. until 9:00 p.m.  I pushed myself and literally dragged myself all day through searing pain...from the top of my head all the way down to my feet.  I had a headache all day, and everything else in between was screaming at me with every move I made.  A pain pill and my bed at the end of that day never felt so good.

I got up around 7:30 a.m. on Saturday.  The pain greeted me as soon as I opened my eyes.  Scott and I had planned to go to BJs because we were out of just about everything.  After we got home, I just lost it.  I cannot even remember exactly why I lost it, or what exactly I said {but I'm sure he does, though}.  All I know is that I had a major meltdown, and it wasn't pretty.  After my meltdown, I announced, "I'm going out!"  {Side Note:  This entire display of my uncontrolled temper and emotions has cut me deep.  I'm not happy this happened.  I'm not proud of myself.  It grieves my heart.  I'm so thankful for forgiveness and grace from Jesus, as well as my sweet family.}

After I got in the car, I thought to myself, "What exactly do you think you're going to do and where do you think you're going to go with all this pain you're in?"  This is exactly when I contemplated going to a hotel.  As quickly as that thought came into my mind it went out..."Na, I can't do that."  So, I just drove.  What I realized was that I just needed to drive, clear my head and be by myself.  I did wind up stopping off at a few places that I've wanted to get to but haven't had the chance.

When I got home, I hobbled myself into the house {the pain was unbearable}.  When I got in, I was greeted by my loving and understanding family.  What did I ever do to deserve such love and grace from them?  After I ate something for supper, I decided to go up to my bedroom.  I was hurting so much, I knew I just needed to lay down.  So, I took something for my pain, made myself a cup of tea, brought some of that awesome Enjoy Life dark chocolate with me, along with some hummus and veggies.  I wound up laying in my bed and read my book.  I'm reading Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts".  Rather appropriate for this season of my life, I think.  Then, I caught up on Fixer Upper and Pioneer Woman episodes that I've missed.  I wound up drifting off to sleep around 8:30 p.m. or so.

Today, Sunday, I woke up around 7:30 a.m.  When my feet hit the floor, I realized that all the pain was still with me.  I sighed.  I hobbled down the stairs to the kitchen.  I sat at the kitchen table, and let the warm sun kiss my back.  The warmth of the sun warmed my soul.  I slowly ate my breakfast and sipped my tea.  I then announced to my husband, "I'm going back to bed."  I went back to bed to read my book and rest.  I wound up coming down around 10:30 a.m.  I did some computer work for our home school co-op.  Cooked lunch.  Watched a movie with my son.  Cooked supper.  Worked on this post and a new Facebook page for this blog.

Because of the events of the last three days, I've realized five things about myself:

ONE:
I. Am. Tired.
I'm SO stinkin' tired.
Being tired all the time is brutal.
I get cranky when I'm tired.  REALLY cranky!!

TWO:
I. Am. In. Pain. {No matter how good I look.}
I'm in SO much stinkin' pain all the time.
Being in pain all the time is oppressive.
I get cranky when I'm in pain.  REALLY cranky!!

THREE:
I. Am. Still. Recovering.  {I honestly forgot this.}
My body is not healed yet...not even close.
Because I'm not healed yet, my body is so tired and screaming in pain all the time.
I get cranky when I can't do the things I want to do.  REALLY cranky!!

FOUR:
I. Need. To. Rest.  {Imagine that?!?}
I really need to slow down...even stop...and rest.
Rest is necessary for my healing and recovery.
I'm not as cranky when I get some rest.  Resting is good.

FIVE:
I. Need. To. Do. Things. For. ME.
I really need to make time to do things for myself.
Be still & quiet.  Watch a favorite show or two.  Read.  Eat some good quality dark chocolate.
I'm not as cranky when my soul gets fed by things that bring me joy.  Doing things just for me is good.

Because of the events of the last three days, I realize that I need to change my game plan.  From now on, I need to:

• Pray more, worry less
• Love on my people more
• Rest more, run around less
• Be a little selfish by doing things that feed my soul
• Learn to say "no" to things I really don't need to do &/or can't do
• Give myself grace
• Remember the five things I just listed above
• Give myself grace  {I realize I said that twice.  That's to be sure I heard myself!  I really am so hard on myself.}
• And...learn to BREATHE

One of my favorite songs, "It's Not Over Yet", by For King & Country says,

"Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit

It's not over yet

It's not over ye-et

And even when you think you're finished

It's not over yet

It's not over ye-et

Keep on fighting

Out of the dark

Into the light

It's not over

HOPE is rising

Never give in

Never give up

It's not over"

Lately, I've felt like I've hit my limit.  And, many times I just wanted to be done and finish this craziness.  But, this journey isn't over.  It's no where near over.  As a matter of fact, it's just the opposite...it has just begun.

I will keep on fighting.  I won't give in or give up.  I will believe that God is in all this...the ups...the downs...the twists...the turns.  I believe that He has brought me to this exact point in my life so I can thrive and succeed.  My eyes will stay focused on Him and the prize...the hope that one day this pain will be a distant memory.

"Do you not know?  Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.

HE GIVES STRENGTH TO THE WEARY and INCREASES THE POWER OF THE WEAK.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

BUT THOSE WHO HOPE IN THE LORD WILL RENEW THEIR STRENGTH.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)

{Emphasis added by me!}